Illegal Activities in Russia

Entering the Hermitage Museum in Saint Petersburg in 2006, we didn't pay the extra charge that allows you to photograph. So we spent a day wandering around the treasures, obeying the rules with camera in pocket. But eventually realising that nobody was watching we started snapping away.

I saw this amazing view of Alexander Column in Palace Square from a first floor window and had no choice but to capture it.

St Petersburg was largely unknown until James Bond visited in Goldeneye

Naming Rights

After hearing that our sacred football ground Subiaco Oval is to be renamed Paterson's Arena in exchange for a million dollars sponsorship from a stockbroking firm, I've decided to follow suit, and have negotiated a deal with a car company to sell my naming rights. From today, I will be known as Lewk Mazda, and I kindly request that you refer to me as such. I've changed my name by deed poll, and am expecting an RX-8 to be loaned to me within days from Mazda Australia.

Custom plates are on order: "EVO KILLR".

Moral Trilemma

When someone (codenamed Monsieur X) shouts out an obscenity in the office that offends Mademoiselle Y, we all agree this is unacceptable. But what if Monsieur X shouts out something obscene in another language (that we shall call Frenchese) that he himself doesn't understand, that only Mademoiselle Y understands. Has he committed a crime, or can he be possibly be innocent? In a court of law, ignorance is no defence. But morally, is he at fault? After all, to him, he has spoken innocuous words.

What would the great philosophers make of this conundrum were we to tell them about this incident that really did occur a few days ago. Descartes, Aristotle, Nietzsche, please give us a signal.

Kiddies Conquer Mountain

On the Welsh borders in 1976, two toddlers made the first unassisted ascent of the north face of this mountain. The younger child (equipped with  Mountain Wellingtons), and elder child (with emergency rusks and polo mints) took two and a half hours to reach the summit, and then posed for this historic photo.

This is where the witty caption should appear.

If you visit this mountain today you'll see a copper plaque on a concrete plinth commemorating this pioneering achievement.

Evolution of Cheese Appreciation

When I was a young whippersnapper there was but one cheese in my life. Cheddar was IT and anything else was too alien and exotic for my conservative tastes. Gradually a few milder cheeses were tested and found not to cause offence, but I still returned to the safety of cheddar. This changed temporarily in the summer of 1982, when ants invaded our kitchen, and found a way into our fridge. They headed straight for our cheese, and I was traumatised one time when biting into a chunk of cheddar, I found ant parts within and other ant parts in my mouth. This incident was disturbing enough to deter me for a few weeks, but once the psychological scars healed, I returned to the comfort food of cheddar for another decade until gradually things changed as detailed below. In brackets are the year of discovery...

CHEDDAR - the cheese of my childhood (1970s)


CREAM CHEESE - as in PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE, I can still eat a whole packet in one sitting (1980)


EDAM - exotic but still mild enough not to scare me (1979)


MOZARELLA - rubbery substance found at Pizzaland 1980 (a dodgy UK chain of restaurants)


PARMESAN - an essential addition to any pasta dish (1982)


FETA - what's this weird white salty lump on my pizza, where's the usual stuff? (1990 onwards)


MATURE CHEDDAR - pungent yes, but also packed with flavour (1995 onwards)


CAMEMBERT - very French but creamy and delicious, discovered at a picnic in late 1998


BRIE - discovered at same picnic in 1998, underneath some olives


DOUBLE GLOUCESTER - twice as nice as Single Gloucester (2005)


STILTON - apparently will induce vivid dreams  (2005)


BOCCONCINI - amazing on pizzas or foodfights (was educated by friend on walk home in 2008)


GRUYERE - ideal for toasting and in French onion soup (2010)

Killer Ants

Last spring on the endless quest for wildflowers, I found myself strolling through a random field near New Norcia. After taking some pretty photos and returning to the car, I discovered I was covered in enormous meat ants, all climbing upward towards my head. In retrospect, parking on top of their nest was probably unwise.

From little gumnuts big things grow

After frantic removal of clothing, and much brushing down and jiggling, I seemed free of them and drove off, but not far down the road, discovered hordes of the beasts hiding in the pleats and folds of my trousers and shirt. They would emerge periodically in waves, trying to overwhelm me, hoping to distract me enough to crash the car, and then to feast on my body.

I will write the thrilling conclusion to this story in a later post but for now I will leave you wondering:- did I survive? Am I now alive, or is this entire blog being written by the ant colonies' collective intelligence?

How Alphabets Evolved

For your daily infotainment, please click below.

Modernism via Random Pocketism

For too long, I've been stuck in the primitive world of figurative visual arts. But no longer. Today I move into the twentieth century and the purity of abstract expressionism no less.

Pocturne #861, 10:22am 27 August 2009

This photo is one of hundreds I've produced using an original technique I call Random Pocketism.  My mobile phone is left unlocked and pocketed. Throughout the day, I accidentally press the shutter and unfocused photos  are captured. This is number 861 of a series called Pocturne. Once I reach 1,000 the series will be complete and I will begin my search for a publisher. I envisage a Phaidon coffee-table art book, selling for a few hundred dollars.

This Photo is Illegal, Please Avert your Eyes

Now that Cottesloe council have outlawed photography at Cottesloe Beach for commercial purposes, this picture taken last summer could land me in court, should I use it to promote this website.

Rays of darkness have now descended upon the beach.

For my sake, do not look left. There's nothing to see.

Freaky Weather

Exciting times for weatherwatchers. Perth is currently in the midst of its longest ever dry spell in September.

Numerous other long-term temperature and rainfall records have been broken in the last few years, but one that I love is the lack of rain. Our recent dry winter (second driest of all time) was fabulous for me, meaning I haven't had to wash my car as often as normal. Here are the numbers for 2010.

Who stole our rain? 

You may think it's early to be putting together a yearly rainfall chart, but I'm very confident that we won't be getting any more precipitation this year.

Sunset near Exmouth

In the news this week, the passengers and crew of QF72 are taking legal action against Airbus after their A330 plunged twice while flying near Exmouth in 2008. There was speculation that interference from the Harold E. Holt naval communications base caused the plane's navigation system to malfunction. Below in the distance on the right you can see the stupendously tall radio masts which emit the low frequency signals in question, the centre one at 387m was once the tallest artificial structure in the southern hemisphere. All of them are taller than the Eiffel Tower.

I took this photo from 7km away, but it was still close enough to turn my hair frizzy and cause my digital watch to tick backwards.

Pictureskew?

Office Coma

A disturbing recent trend has been colleagues entering a comatose or semi-comatose state at the desk, with glazed eyes and drooling mouth. And even if people snap out of the coma, they still remain sluggish and non-responsive for up to half an hour.

If you suspect you've ever entered this state, then a tell-tale sign to look out for is lost time - you're shocked to find it's later than you expected, and you've lost up to an hour or two from your day.

Should you notice someone in this state then a glass of water in the face is the recommended treatment. But stay clear of them, they can flail wildly once awoken in this manner.

Speak-Like-a-Bogan Day

Although yesterday was the International Day of Peace, the office decided that it preferred to create a new reason to celebrate, and are proud to announce International Speak-Like-a-Bogan Day.  Too easy !

Due to fear of reprisals and legal account, the remainder of this post has been censored. But that's fine. It's all good, mate.

Cinema Ratings

Here are my favourite Perth cinemas.

Cinema	Parking	Price (regular)	Choc Bombs	Décor	Seating	My Rank
Ace Subiaco	Free any time	$10 (Ace card)	Home-made, good	Art deco	Half are fine, half old	1
Luna Leederville	Free but long walk	$15.50	Home-made, great	Bohemian	Shocking. Disgusting at times	2
Innaloo	Free	$9.50 off peak	No good	Neon classy	Awesome, the best	3
Cinema Paradiso	Free at quiet times	$15.50	Great	Subtle retro	Decent but old	4
Somerville, UWA	Free	$15.00	Only gourmet food	Pine trees	Posh deck-chairs	5
Windsor Nedlands	Free	$15.50	Nice	Classic	Old and cruddy	6
Joondalup Pines, ECU	Free	$15.00	Only gourmet food	Pine trees	Posh deck-chairs	7
Garden City	Free	$9.50 off peak	No good	Modern bogan	Great	8
Reading Belmont	Free	$17.00	No good	Neon	Great	9

Notes
Ace Subiaco is due to be demolished at the end of the year, to make way for apartments and possibly a boutique basement cinema later.

Although an adult off-peak ticket for Innaloo only costs $9.50, this is only available if you buy a book of ten. The regular adult ticket is $17.60.

Taking into account food, then Leederville, Subiaco and Fremantle are top spots for nosh. Bollywood at Innaloo is also recommended.

Comments please...

Beware the Orange Zone

Ever wondered where people of different origin are living in Perth?

One dot represents 100 persons born in:
UK (dark blue)
China (red)
Italy (light green)
Malaysia (dark green)
South Africa (brown)
Singapore (purple)
Vietnam (yellow)
And most importantly, Zoombie hotspots are orange doughnuts.

Data from 2006 ABS Census, courtesy of wikimedia commons.

Tragic News from Chittering

A notorious car club (in fact a gang), toured through the Chittering Valley yesterday, roaring up hills and along the windy roads, disturbing the serenity and polluting the air with their turbocharged hoon-mobiles.

It has been confirmed that the bee below is now dead, her remains stuck to the front radiator of a Lancer Evo. The pollen that she was carrying back to the hive never made it, and the young beelings went hungry last night.

Her last days were idyllic. She lived a joyous but brief life.

Interesting note: chittering means chattering, as in "It's so cold, my teeth are chittering"

Flowers of the Chittering Valley

Spotted on Saturday beside the road near Bindoon. Most prominent is the blue lechenaultia.

In one 10 metre long strip of roadside verge were thirty different species of wildflowers.

Industrial Action at Blog HQ

I returned home this evening to find protesters picketing the driveway. My blog team have somehow escaped from my shed, and are now on strike, marching up and down in front of my house with bugles and placcards, demanding better wages and conditions, access to sunlight and toilet facilities. They didn't see me so I parked around the back and snuck into my house unseen (after tossing a few rotten lemons at them from the side of the house).

So here I am, for the first time trying to come up with something interesting to tell you without my creative team. And what bad timing - I have a terrible case of writer's block right now. But I do have a little inspiration left - here's my list of the grossest substances that can emanate from your head:

6. sweat


5. tears


4. snot


3. eye gunk


2. earwax

and worst of all...

1. pimple pus

Rankings were calculated by imagining which substance I would least want to end up in my food.

Slow Driving...

    ...Is my passion.

Prepare for launch...

Why hurry? Savour the driving experience, take your time. Enjoy your car.

Also, if like me, anti-hoon legislation has resulted in a speed-limiter being fitted to your car, then staying below 60kmh is mandatory.

Meet the Team

You may think this blog is a one-man operation, but behind the scenes is a team of professionals working long hours in squalid conditions for little pay. Apparently they're in a union, and their legal counsel has made me aware that I shouldn't be taking credit for all of their work, and so I am very pleased to present to you:

Anders - Principal Photographer and Danish translator


Jacinta - Media Relations


Sharon - Catering (Marble Cake specialist)


Adriano - Make-up and Hair-Stylist


Melville - Head of Writing Team


Jessica - Deputy Editor


Mohindas - Animal Wrangler (currently in hospital after a tiger incident)


I am also legally obliged to mention that the content of this blog is basically copied wholesale from a popular Danish website called "blog mig dum dig viking skvat" whose lawyer is a lovely chap whom I speak to regularly.

The Watching of Fuel

If you're a millionaire, or if you like donating your money to multinational oil corporations then read no further. However if you're not that well off it pays to be aware of Perth's fuel price cycle, as shown below, courtesy of fuelwatch.

There's a 5% to 8% difference between the cheapest and dearest average price, and so a tank of petrol that costs $50 one day may cost $4 more if your timing is bad. Should this advice save you money then please consider donating to this website. Or at least shout me lunch (I'm free next Tuesday).

Not the Smartest Cyberman

Spotted this evening in my spare room, a Cyberman was quietly plotting world domination, quite unaware that his mortal foe the Doctor had materialised right behind him.  

.

I decided to leave them to it, closed the door, made a hot chocolate and when I returned, the room was again empty save for the smell of burnt metal and scorch marks on the floor. It's quite clear who won this battle.

Moral Decline of Today's Youth

Of all Perth radio stations, 92.9 is the most morally degenerate, with their rap music, their syncopated rhythms and obscene dj's. I have no doubt that prolonged exposure inevitably leads to the following reprehensible behaviours:

Knife crime
Gang membership
Excessive drinking
Swearing
Tattoos
Piercing
Lack of respect for elders, "feral" attitude
Poor school grades
Wearing of low-rider jeans, bandanas and other innapropriate clothing
Wild hair
Jaywalking

Should you ever come across a radio tuned to this tripe, there is no time for niceties -it's your duty to switch to a sensible station, such as 96fm, Sonshine FM, or 94.5, with the utmost urgency.

London Bridge has Fallen Down

Driving along the Great Ocean Road in Victoria in 1990, we stopped at the Twelve Apostles (although only seven could be found). Below is Katya, the Swiss exchange student who was staying with us at the time, and who tended to jump in front of any camera.

"Just lean out over the edge a little more please"

Now the point of this anecdote is that our next stop was the geological marvel known as London Bridge, a natural limestone archway over the sea. We walked to the end, took a snap and rushed back to the car and thought nothing more of it. We reached Melbourne that evening, and within hours heard on the news that London Bridge had collapsed into the ocean, leaving tourists stranded on the far end, needing to be rescued by helicopter.

To this day, I suspect that my brother, myself and Katya were responsible for that collapse - we had jumped up and down to test the strength of the arch, and must have weakened it. I speak only the truth.

Lame Talkback

Sometimes I've been on road trips in outback Australia, and my only entertainment has been the car radio. Away from the cities I might pick up a faint signal from a commercial station playing country, but usually I'm stuck with  the ABC which often fills up its time with delights such as the Country Hour (I love hearing latest commodities prices), and talkback. This is sometimes bearable, but on occasion the host struggles to find an engaging topic. The worst was an hour long session heard in Far North Queensland on "favourite canned foods". Thankfully we reached the 11am news and I assumed that the talkback had finished, but no, it continued on for another thirty minutes with classic tales of canned food.

That tedious topic was bettered (or should that worsered) last Saturday, when using my favourite iPhone radio app tuned to English radio (the BRMB late show from Birmingham), the last hour was spent debating the merits of eggs versus peas. The host explained that he'd only reached the studio with seconds to spare after driving down from Manchester earlier that evening, and being stuck on the congested M6, but I still don't forgive him. But the worst part of the story is how his show so deadened my senses I became stupefied, lost all initiative and ended up listening for the entire hour in a semiconscious state. Shame on me.