Watch Out for Surfers

It's scary swimming near surfers. I remember hearing of someone being poked in the eye and being permanently blinded by a surfboard.

Cyclone Bianca

This morning with Cyclone Bianca heading towards the coast, we were warned to avoid coastal areas, where there would be large swell, strong winds and local flooding. So naturally this encouraged us to visit the beach for a swim. We found thousands of people had the same idea, especially surfers and bodyboarders and even some old-timers stand-up paddle surfing. Every few minutes, enormous sets of waves came through, wiping out dozens of people each time. Later we heard that 50 people were rescued from this very beach.

Unhappy Beetle

Seeing an unusual beetle wandering outside my house yesterday, I rushed for my camera and started shooting. But Cat No. 1 saw the commotion and wanted to get involved, so we wandered over to me and did his cute act and accidentally trod on the beetle. I rescued it immediately, and despite a limp, beetle seemed otherwise okay. But that was the end of the photo shoot - I put him safely on top of a large bush.

X marks the spot where the cat trod on him.

Yesterday's Sky Explosions

To commemorate the 223rd anniversary of the founding of the colony of New South Wales, explosives were sent into the Perth sky last night. Here are some of them.

Being 6km away, the fireworks were tiny.

Not FireWorks

Having just returned from the Australia Day fireworks, here is a photo of my own Catherine Wheel.

Awkward Morning Tea

You are cordially invited to an Awkward Morning Tea. Here's everything you need to know about the tedious but strangely captivating event.

1. Sit yourself down and make little to no attempt to talk to anyone around you. Instead, stare at your feet or play with your mobile phone. 


2.  If you're bringing food, then don't make anything yourself. Instead buy something cheap from a supermarket, preferably a discount item nearing its Use By Date. Don't unwrap it and present it nicely on a plate, instead just dump it on the table. Crumbly food is ideal - if it breaks apart and spills over your lap, that can boost awkwardness tremendously.


3. Rather than laying out plates, cutlery and napkins, provide tissues for people to hold their food with.


4. Make sure there aren't enough chairs for everyone. 


5. Sit right next to the food, so as to not allow others to reach it.


6. If you can't keep quiet, then restrict the conversation to work topics. If you get nowhere with that, then start asking who everyone's favourite and least favourite colleagues are.


7. Don't leave early, no matter how silent and weirded you get. You may go if either (*)  two others leave first, or (*) you've reached the 45 minutes mark. 


8. On your way out, grab as many leftovers as you can. It's important to prevent others from taking any.


9. Wear short shorts and a see-through top. This particularly applies to men. 


10. Hold hands with someone who least expects it. The aim is to get the whole room staring at you in shock.


11. Drink from someone else's mug. Pretend it's yours and act with confidence.

Further suggestions are welcome.

IKEA Nightmares Revisited

It seems that the Daily Mail has read my blog, and have been inspired to describe the devious means that IKEA uses to trap and confuse their customers, sending them on windy zig-zag paths through their vast stores, with no obvious exit.

Here's an extract.

If you've ever found yourself hopelessly lost in an Ikea store, you were probably not alone.

The home furnishing chain’s mazy layouts are a psychological weapon to part shoppers from their cash, an expert in store design claims.

The theory is that while following a zig-zag trail between displays of minimalist Swedish furniture, a disorientated Ikea customer feels ­compelled to pick up a few extra impulse purchases.

According to Alan Penn, director of the Virtual Reality Centre for the Built Environment at University College London, Ikea's strategy is similar to that of out-of-town retail parks - keep customers inside for as long as they can.

'In Ikea's case, you have to follow a set path past what is effectively their catalogue in physical form, with furniture placed in different settings which is meant to show you how adaptable it is,' he said.

'By the time you get to the warehouse where you can actually buy the stool or whatever's caught your eye, you're so impressed by how cheap it is that you end up getting it.'

Read more here

Touched Up

I should have mentioned that my photo in the antique shop originally looked much older (see below), but I cleaned it up for publication. However if I were sneaky, I could artificially age a photo online via http://labs.wanokoto.jp/olds but of course that's something I'd never do.

Trapped in a Time Warp

In the large antique shop, I sat down to rest my legs and must have dozed off for a moment. When I awoke, the world was a weird sepia colour, like an episode of Bagpuss. My camera captured the scene.

Antiquities of Fremantle

Spending a few hours in antique shops today with no intention of buying, I amused myself by trying to find the oldest object for sale. Disappointingly, much of the furniture and brick-a-brack was modern, and in fact the staff behind the counter were older than anything else in some shops. I eventually found a plain mahogany box from the 18th century. Compare that with London antique shops, where you can buy 2,000 year old Roman coins for a dollar.

Not a Fat Farm

An article in the West Australian this week described hospitals catering for obese patients, with extra wide beds and chairs and industrial-strength hoists. I have a far superior way to tackle the problem at source - obese people can be sent to health retreats (notice how I avoided using the derogatory term fat farms), and instead of being locked away, their room has a hole in the wall in the shape of their desired silhouette. The tubby can see freedom but isn't able to leave until they're small enough to squeeze through. Genius ?

Mr Tubbs still has a few ounces to lose before he can leave. He also needs to get taller.

Moonrise over Parador

The moon rose over Lake Monger at 8pm this evening, and I was there waiting for it. One rival photographer was there before me but I soon scared him off by turning my car radio loudly onto a youth radio station.

Lights Ad Finitum

Making the most of last night's photography, here's another colourful one.

Perth - City of Lights and Parking Inspectors

After dinner this evening in South Perth, the lights of Perth were shimmering prettily in the Swan River. I doubt that anyone has ever taken a photo from this position before.

The vague blob at the top is either the moon or a rip in the night sky letting a spot of light in.

Analysis of Writing Styles

Detailed computer analysis of writing styles enables me to glean juicy facts about those people leaving comments on this blog. The first revelation is that after churning through the algorithms overnight, the computer tells me that with 99% probability, Mini-Rob is the same person as Big Rob. It seems that Mini-Rob grows into Big Rob every evening after eating a hearty meal (and coke). Furthermore, Mini-Rob becomes Bored Rob in the middle of long summer holidays.

Finally, the computer reveals that all other comments are emanating from an elderly lady in Bavaria.

My Top Commenters

My no 1 commenter, anonymous

The only reason I keep blogging is because apparently upwards of five people read this stuff. In honour of you, my lovely audience, here are the awards for most frequent commenters. In yellow  are the top ten. Anonymous is so prolific, please keep it up whoever you are.  I'm number two, which is rather sad., so we'll quickly skip ahead to the next three - sandra, Mini-Rob and bod who are all super-awesome.

The no 2 commenter, me !

Commenter	Comments
anonymous	65
lewk	44
sandra	13
Mini-rob	10
bod	8
simon kldd	7
k	6
bored rob	5
lady gaga	5
sand	5
sonja	5
Big-rob	4
union of proof reading cats	3
miss piara	2
S	2
sandra dee	2
sebastian	2
sk	2
010101	1
al capuss	1
anonymous2	1
avid weather watcher	1
could be fluffy	1
emily	1
fluff	1
george mitchell, us envoy	1
helpful source provider	1
hungryBear9562	1
jamie	1
julia	1
L	1
leprechaun society	1
lilian	1
lucy	1
marcus	1
maurice	1
Mega-rob	1
mr trebor	1
mungo	1
not so lady gaga	1
PDIS	1
serguei	1
solihull correspondent	1
the real miss piara	1
valery	1
warney	1

Dangers of the Ocean

Another epic ocean swim this morning, in the glassy shallows off City Beach. The mood changed to tension when I saw angry jellyfish massing in the shadows, waiting for me to drift into their trap and wreak their stinging vengeance for my attack on them recently. They formed a semicircle and were hoping to surround their prey but I was wary and survived with only a few minor stings this time.

This encounter reminded me of another dangerous incident at the same location a decade or so ago. That day, I was swimming with my brother again in the shallows, but completely oblivious to the large stingray that was sitting on the bottom quietly waiting. I swam directly over him and his deadly barbed tail that could have badly injured me had I spooked him. Only half a metre below me the stringray was preparing to strike but what saved me were my fluorescent yellow board shorts that were luridly disgusting and would have scared off any type of sighted predator. I only knew about my brush with death once I returned to the beach and onlookers told me what had happened. How close the world was to not having seen this blog...

Under the Spell of the HypnoLizard

Spotted below Wave Rock in Hyden in the wheatbelt last year, an enormous death lizard with hypno-eyes, well camouflaged against the granite.

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOLIZARD

Weird But True

Continuing my tradition of reporting dubious science, today I announce two breakthroughs in research that may be not entirely untrue.

1. Eating vegetables make you more attractive. This is due to the carotenoids in carrots and tomatoes and other greens give the skin a lovely orange hue. Source - BBC News

2. Thinking about exercise increases muscle strength. There's no need to actually go ahead and get sweaty. Source to be confirmed, but defintely not all made up by my head in order to justify watching 15 hours of basketball a week while sipping Pimms and lemonade. UPDATE - here's the source, located by an anonymous commenter - Independent

Custom Plates

Wandering through a car park today, I saw a beautiful Audi with custom licence plates "MCMLVI". My friend thought the owner's name must be McMulvi, while I thought the owner must have been born in 1956. I wonder who was right? Perhaps both of us?

Evening Sprite Learns to Spell

The light sprite returned this evening. And I don't mean diet lemonade. This time the creature appeared in my lounge, and attempted to spell letters. I can't quite make out what he wrote though - I'm not very familiar with cursive handwriting any more.

A Twirling Light Devil

These elusive lights are rarely caught on camera, but I found one inside my house this evening.

This type of ball lightening appeared with a pop, and then made a humming and fizzing noise as it rotated frenetically in the corner of the room. I followed it around with my camera and got this shot when it was cornered. And then as soon as it started, it was gone.

Sweaty People - What Are They Good For?

Q. In a hypothetical office, a worker arrived this morning puffed and sweaty after a vigorous commute, and started work without showering or changing clothes. Should colleagues be concerned?

A. Not necessarily. Using my comprehensive mental database of made-up medical and biological knowledge, I can say that new sweat is not stinky. The worst smells only appear after several hours, once the sweat has had time to decompose and interact with bacteria on the skin. Furthermore, the most fragrant smells emanate from certain types of glands, those in the hairy regions. Sweat from other regions is more innocuous. However, if the clothes are not fresh, if they contain yesterday's sweat, then their offensive odour will form a cloud of fumes around this hypothetical worker, and he or she will notice others giving them a wide berth.

Night Tree

Yes Lewk you truly have run out of material for your blog.

As A Protest Against Having to Return to Work Tomorrow...

This post will remain blank, symbolizing the bleakness of drudgery.





















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Top Nine TV Programs of 2010

In the absence of any worthy photos to show you today, I'm listing my favourite tv dramas or comedies from the last year, in no particular order. Reality shows and non-scripted programs are excluded so that you don't think too badly of me.

Skins - UK comedy drama

Community - US comedy

Peep Show - UK comedy

Parks and Recreation - US comedy

The Inbetweeners - UK comedy

Mad Men - US drama

The Office - US comedy

30 Rock - US comedy

Doctor Who - UK drama

I would have included South Park and The Simpsons but I've managed to forget to watch them both for over a year.

Top Five Vegetables of 2010

The votes are in, and I can now reveal the top five vegetables of the last year.

1. Broccolini - the sweeter, more succulent cousin of broccoli

The rubber band tastes yummy

2. Spinach - use it in salads, or on pizzas, or in eggs hollandaise, or in a pasta sauce, or in a pie. Just don't flavour ice cream with it

3. Celeriac - it's posh and hard to find, so must be in the list in place of a common veggie like potato

4. Shane Warne - no further explanation required

5. French Fries - they're French and they're fried; what more could you want?

Top Ten Films for 2010 (final)

After jumping the gun and publishing my top ten films of the year slightly early, back in September, I've now revised the list to take into account the last four months.

Equal 10th - Green Zone, Inception, Ghostwriter, Tron Legacy, 
9. Fantastic Mr Fox 

8. The King's Speech 
7. In the Loop 

6. Men Who Stare at Goats 
5. Social Network 
4. Kickass 

3. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
2. Avatar 
1. Shutter Island 

Honourable mentions go to City Island and Micmacs, which just missed out.

Flooding

After the downpour last night, your roving photographer was out and about with a camera, capturing the beauty of puddles. Here's one near my house.

Note the red lights of a Light Cycle from Tron in the centre

This position was treacherous for me because any car coming along would splash me as they ploughed through the puddle.

Remorseful Jellyfish

Being idle and disorderly at this time of year, I again found myself at the beach this week, swimming vast distances in the warm ocean. But my most recent swim was more memorable than most, not necessarily by me, but definitely by the large swarm of stinging jellyfish I encountered. At first I felt a few skinpricks of pain, and thought nothing of it, but as I swam further north, long tentacles were wrapping themselves around my arms and torso. I ploughed on, ripping those stinging legs from their owners, laughing a haughty ha ha to the marine pests who couldn't ruin my joyful mood. Out of the water and back on the beach, the pain grew till I felt I was on fire. Red welts enlarged and spread until I resembled a chickenpox victim. Despite my mild agony, I still argue that I won the battle - jellyfish families are now lamenting their missing legs, but I will live to swim another day.

Levitation

After hearing reports of levitating children at City Beach, I headed down there to see for myself. This girl casually floated off the top of the wall, legs dangling, and then hovered in place for ten seconds before floating down towards the beach.

Welcome to the Year 1714

A German academic claims that 300 years were mistakenly added to our calendar, and so we are still actually in the 1700s. The years AD 614-911 never happened. This certainly makes sense to me - how much happened in history between those years? Absolutely nothing at all. They were named the Dark Ages for a reason. All I've ever heard from period was peasants living in straw huts throwing poo at each other.

Further reading:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phantom_time_hypothesis
http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/~mgk25/volatile/Niemitz-1997.pdf
http://www.reddit.com/r/science/comments/euyyg/is_it_actually_the_year_1714_theres_a_theory_that/

Another Last Photo of 2010

It's 9:44am and we've now officially shut up the house for protection from the heat - all doors and windows are sealed, and will stay closed until this evening. This happens every morning in heatwave conditions once the inside and outside temperatures equalise (at 25 degrees today). I'm aware of several others (mostly male) who are similarly strict on this, and who are similarly aghast when people haphazardly leave open doors or windows during the closed time, or open up prematurely in the evening once they feel a slight breeze.

Anyway, back on to photography. And since it's too hot out to venture outside and shoot, I have to plunder material from my archives. This one dates from three days ago, again at City Beach, when there was a sandstorm whipped up by the sea breeze, and these kids had to shelter beneath a light tower.

  

Last Photo of 2010

Just after sunset on December 31 2010, at City Beach, Perth.