Tennis Expertise For All

After countless hours spent tuning my body to the brink of physical perfection, after thousands of drills and exercises, after training by renowned masters of the game, I now know that I've chosen the wrong path to tennis expertise. The skill that marks out the top players is in fact the ability to pick up a tennis ball without bending down. Before I say more, be mesmerised by this Nadal magic

Here are the different levels of skills you need to progress through. If you can reach at least level 3 or 4 then there's no need to actually play the game - if someone sees you using these techniques they'll know how fantastic you are.

Level 1 - Novice

Use your hand. Don't do this under any circumstance if you want respect.

Level 2 - Amateur

Flip the ball up in the air by wedging it between your foot and your racquet, then bounce it down into the ground and up higher with your racquet.

Level 3 - Club

Hit it with your racquet strings so that it bounces up, then hit it down hard enough that it bounces up to you.

Level 4 - Pro

This one relies on having a racquet with a thin frame, thin enough that you can use it to elegantly scoop up the ball in one motion (YouTube).

Level 5 - Magician

My newly patented technique that nobody else has thought of is to add velcro to the end of your racquet so that balls stick to it. Why on earth has noone come up with this earlier?