700 Pages of Lameness

A random bookshop raid a fortnight ago netted a copy of the Patrick Rothfuss novel The Name of the Wind and since then I've been eagerly anticipating getting into this major new fantasy series. The book smelt right, the back cover blurb was evocative, and the cover art was mysterious. So I started.

100 pages in and there was no magic yet. The main characters were introduced and the narrative consisted of a older guy recounting his early life to a chronicler. So straight away I knew that whatever adventures were to come, the protagonist survived.

200 pages in and the older guy turns out to be a hero, a polymath of unlimited talent in every area ranging from learning languages to crafting lanterns and horseriding. His life consists of a series of incidents showcasing his unnatural intelligence and uncanny ability to do the right thing. A mediaeval MacGyver / Harry Potter hybrid.

300 pages in and now it's clear that the story is going nowhere. Rather than an epic adventure, we're hearing about the hero enrolling at university, attending lectures and dating hotties. Not exactly a triumph of the imagination. Tolkien had more creativity in one toenail than this author's lifetime of writing.

...

700 pages. I can't wait to get through the last few pages. I only hope the hero dies some miserable death before it's over as some sort of consolation for having to put up with him for so long. An infallible protagonist with

This review aptly sums up my feelings about the book. I'll just add that

Too Cold for Photography

All week I've been tempted to get up before dawn to capture the foggy scenes outside. But every time, the desire to stay snuggled up in bed for another half hours wins, and by the time I do leave the house, the sun has burnt off the mists and I'm rushing to work for another hectic day.

You can't blame me, given that this has been the coldest month in the history of Perth.

80% Perfect Cleaning

Being well-read, you're aware of the Pareto Principle, whereby 80% of the effort relates to 20% of the population. For instance, in a business the most difficult 20% of clients consume 80% of your time.

I apply this to household chores such as vacuuming, mopping and other types of cleaning. Although ideally removing 100% of the dirt is desirable, it's just not feasible for someone with a limited lifespan. The Pareto Principle indicates that 80% of the gunk can be dealt with in 20% of the time it would take to clean everything. Therefore I've finished the job in a fifth the time that a perfectionist would take, and can move on to the next job without guilt, glowing with efficiency and smugness.

Throbbing Tooth Agony

Why is one tooth ultra-sensitive to hot drinks? Every cup of tea is a lottery and if I lose, I'm hit with 60 seconds of debilitating nerve pain as one tooth complains loudly, sending throbbing signals of agony strong enough to suspend my normal activities. Well I'm not listening. This sort of juvenile whingeing won't get anywhere and has even made me more determined than ever to immerse that tooth in boiling tea water every few hours until it grows up and stops complaining.

Maggot Attack

These fungi proved too tasty for flies to resist. Hundreds of maggots are writhing inside. Take a peek...

Here's a closeup. Note the ants hanging around stage left.

Yet Another Mushy Rumour

How Delicious

Another toadstool sighted on my King's Park walk. This looks delicious and I'd love to take a bite although I'd surely end up in Emergency on a trolley.

Two More Shrooms

Fun Guy in King's Park

Wandering through King's Park this morning like Hansel and Gretel, led deeper astray on the trail of elusive fungi, I came upon this beauty.

Temperature Ranges

Why is the range of Perth temperatures more extreme in summer than in winter? In the cooler months, the typical range is between 17 degrees and 23 degrees. But summer days can vary between 25 degrees and 40 degrees.

My uninformed guess is that the Indian Ocean and its very constant temperatures acts as a source of heat in winter that doesn't allow us to cool too far. Thus we have a lower bound.

30 Seconds is an Eternity

Warming my apple and rhubarb crumble in the microwave for 30 seconds last night took unbearably long.

Time only passes more slowly for me when awaiting the judge's verdict on a reality tv show. That moment when they're going to announce a winner and instead they just pause and we see closeups of beads of sweat on brows and then the judge's smarmy knowing expression, then we hear amplified tick tocks as everyone is holding their breath. This moment irritates me so much it induces reality tv rage and I am forced to leave the room and find something worthy to spend my time on rather than being shamelessly manipulated by tv producers creating artificial tension. Yes, those 30 seconds are the longest 30 seconds there are.

Should I become a tv editor, this sequence:


"And the winner is.............................................
.......................................................................
........................................................................
........................................................................
..revealed after the break.....................................
.......................................................................
And the winner is...............................................
........................................................................
........................................................................
And the winner is Sheryl-Jane and her calculating tortoise."

Would be replaced by :


"Sheryl-Jane and her calculating tortoise. "


Editing out "the winner is..." removes the foreshadowing of imminent boredom.

How Far Away is the Future?

Which year seems closer -  1993 or 2030?

Most people would answer 1993, but why? Does the unknown nature of the future create distance?

Don't Become a Codger

Having reached a venerable age I'm on alert for signs that I'm becoming a codger. Not succumbing to the temptation to start old-person grunting (details) is positive, but I still have cause for concern - a few years ago I started drinking tea after never showing no interest before. And now I even look forward to a cuppa every few hours.

I did go through a phase of attempting the daily crossword too, but stopped myself before it became a habit.

Me in a few years in my codger hat

And today I was tempted to turn on a heater for warmth. Most winters I survive in shorts and t-shirt and have no need for heating but with a chill wind gusting through the house this morning, I nearly gave in. Luckily I put on a pair of socks instead, but soon I'll find myself under a nana blanket, and then my transformation from boy to twit to old codger will be complete.

Tennis Scoring is Zany

Here's a chart I created showing tennis scoring. No wonder beginners get confused !

The most curious part is deuce. At 40-40 a player needs two consecutive points to take out the game. This means that 40-40 is identical to 30-30. Ad In is the same as 40-30, and Ad Out is the same as 30-40. So why not simplify?

Which Quadrant Are You In?

Question 1. Are you smart or dumb ? 

Question 2. Are you knowledgeable or ignorant?

A common assumption is that smart people know stuff and dummies don't. But it's wrong. I'm always surprised when intelligent people get their facts wrong, so does this put me in quadrant I - ignorant and dumb? No - my use of Roman numerals and correct spelling of "knowledgeable" without spell-checking saves me from that fate.

I. Ignorant and dumb	II. Ignorant and smart
III. Wise and dumb	IV. Wise and smart

Ignorant and Unaware

Question 1. Are you ignorant or are you knowledgeable? 

Question 2. Are you aware of the limitations of your skills and knowledge, or not?

The worst combination is to be ignorant of your own ignorance. Not only do you not know the correct answers, you think you do and stubbornly defend yourself.  At least a humble idiot doesn't have that false confidence.

Ignorant and don’t know it	Ignorant and know it
Wise and don’t know it	Wise and know it

Further reading 

Top Ten Movies of 2012

Now that we've reached mid-year, I can safely publish my top ten movies of 2012 - the world's earliest such list. This is final, not because no better films will appear in the next six months but because I swear to not watch anything more till the new year.

1. Cabin in the Woods - Joss Whedon's comedy horror was so layered I had to see it twice. It was only with the knowledge of coming plot points that I could appreciate the first third of the movie and the foreshadowing of future events.

2. Carnage - stick four people in a room and have them argue and drink for a couple of hours. Sounds like Friday afternoon in the office.

3. The Avengers - another Joss Whedon comedy masterpiece.

4. Girl with a Dragon Tattoo - the best thriller.

5. 21 Jump Street - the funniest film of the year.

6. Goodbye First Love - a moody French non-romance.

7.  Hugo - the best 3D experience (outside of reality). Paris has never looked more beautiful. Except in Midnight in Paris. And Amelie. And Before Sunset. Amd Moulin Rouge. And the Dreamers. And Zazie Dans Le Metro.

8. The Skin I Live In - Pedro Almodovar's horrific thriller got under my skin.

9. Sherlock Holmes Game of Shadows - unexpectedly funtastic.

10. The Woman in Black - still haunts me whenever I'm wandering around my home in darkness. I'm certain the Woman in Black is at large.

My Top Ten Numbers

Counting down in reverse order, here are my favourite single digit numbers.

10. In last spot is number seven. I've disliked odd numbers since primary school, and seven was the worst of the worst. Is there a repressed bad memory that hypnotherapy can reveal? Was I humiliated by failing my seven times table? Or did I impale myself on a spiky number seven wooden block?


9. One bores me. It looks like a plain twig, 


8. Nine sounds like the German word for "no" so has negative connotations for me. 


7. Four is too common. It's a square number, predictable and uninteresting. 


6. Three sounds pleasant when said but the actual number makes me think of the lamest party ever. 


5. Two is neat and romantic but more importantly is the number of Twix's in a packet. 


4. Six is special. It sounds jazzy, like a sax, and sexy, and is underrated like socks.


3. Five - I forgive its oddness because it's half of ten, a crucial number in the decimal system. The word is short and snappy and decisive. High five !


2. Zero. It reminds me of Coke, and it looks like a doughnut. Mmmmmm.

And my favourite:


1. Eight. The spelling is unusual and the shape is pleasing and curvy.

Replacement Workers

My automaton hard at work this morning

Is it legal to replace yourself with an automaton? Working from home, you're given some routine tasks to get through such as proofreading a report, or writing a summary of a lengthy dissertation. You're smart enough to write programs that can automate these jobs with such accuracy that its quality is indistinguishable from yours. Would it be immoral to claim your salary for doing this work while you're in fact heliskiing in the New Zealand alps?

There weren't any clauses mentioning automatons in my work contract, so I suspect it's fine.

Let's Regroup

My favourite sporting cliché is "He needs to regroup". I can imagine this phrase making sense when applied to a ramshackle soccer team, or a poorly organised basketball team, but how exactly can one person regroup? Can someone disassemble and reconfigure Transformer-style into a more useful shape? Perhaps for soccer, one of the arms can become a third leg?

Living in the Past

When you've been around for a few decades, it's tempting to spend time caught up in nostalgia, continuing to listen to the classic pop tunes you grew up with, reflecting on good times at school or university, reliving your youth. But don't overdo it. Most of your time should be spend in the present or looking forwards, else you'll bump into something.

If you spend too much time in the past, you're not allowing enough time for living. Below is an illustration of someone's day: they awaken and listen to a few hours of a 1970s breakfast radio show and throughout the day find other ways to avoid being in the present.

Kicking for Gaol

An unknown player kicks a goal for Freo. A rare sight indeed.

The low grey cloud in the foreground is in fact a stray sheep. No, it's a guy with a fluffy toupee, obscuring my view.

Making a Tark

This is Matthew Pavlich taking a mark in front of me at the Freo v. Essendon game tonight.

Coincidentally the guy to my right was also snapping away with an Olympus Pen-EPL1.

Blurry Fungus

Seen in my front garden a few days ago. It was in an awkward spot, underneath a bush and beside a fence, and it was very tricky manually focusing correctly.

Illustrated Dramatic Tension

This shows graphically the change in dramatic tension inherent in a standard murder mystery story.

The first spike occurs when the body is discovered. Then interest dwindles until a minor hiccup as the culprit is unmarked. Meh.