Lolly Overdose

My day has gone horribly wrong after a promising start when I learnt that it was International Left-handers Day, and revelled in my gaucheness. But when I discovered half a kilo of Party Mix lollies in a cupboard at lunchtime, my instinct for gluttony took over and without consciously realising it, had consumed most of the packet in short time. The urge to pig out being so strong, I didn't have a chance to knowingly exercise restraint and rationally decide not to eat. Instead, the animal brain managed to take control and bypass my consciousness. And now my stomach is suffering.

Olympic Dodgeball

As my boycott of the Olympics continues, I ponder how the IOC could make the event more interesting. Here are my suggestions.

1. Dodgeball needs to be an Olympic sport. Rhythmic gymnastics with balls and hoops and ribbons is lovely and whatnot, but this is the type of action to excite the crowds. Take that ball and toss it at someone's head.

2. More Eddie the Eagles. Invite one randomly chosen person to compete in every discipline. Imagine the spectacle as a regular Joe tries to throw a hammer, or run around the track in the steeplechase, or sail a yacht, or dive from the tower. They may be maimed or humiliated but the crowd will be on their side against the regular Olympic athletes.

3. Hide-and-seek around the Olympic city would be a wonderful sport. Thousands of people could participate, their photos publicised at the start. How long would it take before London's thousands of security guards and cameras with facial recognition systems would identify these people?

Albany Woolly Bush

The view from my front room early in the morning, when the sun is low.

Dopey Cat Head

He's a tonguey feline.

Today's Highlights

In an action packed Monday, there have been so many highlights for me. Here are my top three.

1. Finding a good parking spot. A bad spot means a 80 metre walk into the office, whereas a good one can shave 5 to 10 metres off that distance.

2. Eating a Vanilla Mars Bar for lunch. These chocolates are being dumped at the local supermarket for 20 cents each. Clearly they haven't caught on. But I'm a fan and bought a crate-load and will live off them until supplies run out, or I become diabetic.

3. Having read a couple of good books yesterday, now I'm free to start on a new novel.

Avoiding the Olympics

Every four years I'm faced with a titanic internal struggle. Being a sports fan, I'm tempted to spend two weeks absorbed in the Olympics to the exclusion of all else, but not enjoying jingoistic commentary nor the feeling that the whole event is a corporate promotional brainwash, I avoid watching.

This attitude has benefits. Cinemas are mostly empty while potential patrons are at home watching kayaking and trampolining. And local tennis courts are deserted.

And in any case, playing sport is many times more enjoyable than watching. When attending local footy matches, the highlight is often having a kick at half-time. It's a completely immersive experience whereas spectating only occupies a portion of my attention. For instance, watching sport on tv is not stimulating enough so I'll simultaneously read or doing a puzzle or browse the internet.

So I welcome the Olympics, and wish they were more frequent even if I don't actually watch them.

Expensive Art

The Art Gallery of Western Australia is currently showing a selection from the Museum of Modern Art in New York. Not only are the painting priceless, the amount charged to see them is also astronomical. For revenge, instead of buying commemorative postcards of the collection, I took covert photos of the paintings with my iPhone. Here's a Georges de Chirico I adore although his painting is not actually this blurry.

The Enigma of a Day (1914) 

Fruit Salad on my Car

This time of year, nectar from the hakea flowers on my driveway drips onto my car whenever I tempt fate and park nearby. Forgetting this, on Saturday my car was glistening from a thorough clean but by Sunday, the sticky sugar syrup had covered the roof, with pretty petals and stamens stuck in. But rather than being disheartened I'll use this to my advantage. I'm parking at work under a Moreton Bay fig, so that falling fruit will add to the mixture. And once I've found a few more fruit trees and some natural form of yoghurt or cream, I'll be ready to scrape the tasty concoction from my car into a bowl, for a free and delicious dessert.

My car roof

700 Pages of Lameness

A random bookshop raid a fortnight ago netted a copy of the Patrick Rothfuss novel The Name of the Wind and since then I've been eagerly anticipating getting into this major new fantasy series. The book smelt right, the back cover blurb was evocative, and the cover art was mysterious. So I started.

100 pages in and there was no magic yet. The main characters were introduced and the narrative consisted of a older guy recounting his early life to a chronicler. So straight away I knew that whatever adventures were to come, the protagonist survived.

200 pages in and the older guy turns out to be a hero, a polymath of unlimited talent in every area ranging from learning languages to crafting lanterns and horseriding. His life consists of a series of incidents showcasing his unnatural intelligence and uncanny ability to do the right thing. A mediaeval MacGyver / Harry Potter hybrid.

300 pages in and now it's clear that the story is going nowhere. Rather than an epic adventure, we're hearing about the hero enrolling at university, attending lectures and dating hotties. Not exactly a triumph of the imagination. Tolkien had more creativity in one toenail than this author's lifetime of writing.

...

700 pages. I can't wait to get through the last few pages. I only hope the hero dies some miserable death before it's over as some sort of consolation for having to put up with him for so long. An infallible protagonist with

This review aptly sums up my feelings about the book. I'll just add that

Too Cold for Photography

All week I've been tempted to get up before dawn to capture the foggy scenes outside. But every time, the desire to stay snuggled up in bed for another half hours wins, and by the time I do leave the house, the sun has burnt off the mists and I'm rushing to work for another hectic day.

You can't blame me, given that this has been the coldest month in the history of Perth.

80% Perfect Cleaning

Being well-read, you're aware of the Pareto Principle, whereby 80% of the effort relates to 20% of the population. For instance, in a business the most difficult 20% of clients consume 80% of your time.

I apply this to household chores such as vacuuming, mopping and other types of cleaning. Although ideally removing 100% of the dirt is desirable, it's just not feasible for someone with a limited lifespan. The Pareto Principle indicates that 80% of the gunk can be dealt with in 20% of the time it would take to clean everything. Therefore I've finished the job in a fifth the time that a perfectionist would take, and can move on to the next job without guilt, glowing with efficiency and smugness.

Throbbing Tooth Agony

Why is one tooth ultra-sensitive to hot drinks? Every cup of tea is a lottery and if I lose, I'm hit with 60 seconds of debilitating nerve pain as one tooth complains loudly, sending throbbing signals of agony strong enough to suspend my normal activities. Well I'm not listening. This sort of juvenile whingeing won't get anywhere and has even made me more determined than ever to immerse that tooth in boiling tea water every few hours until it grows up and stops complaining.

Maggot Attack

These fungi proved too tasty for flies to resist. Hundreds of maggots are writhing inside. Take a peek...

Here's a closeup. Note the ants hanging around stage left.

Yet Another Mushy Rumour

How Delicious

Another toadstool sighted on my King's Park walk. This looks delicious and I'd love to take a bite although I'd surely end up in Emergency on a trolley.

Two More Shrooms

Fun Guy in King's Park

Wandering through King's Park this morning like Hansel and Gretel, led deeper astray on the trail of elusive fungi, I came upon this beauty.

Temperature Ranges

Why is the range of Perth temperatures more extreme in summer than in winter? In the cooler months, the typical range is between 17 degrees and 23 degrees. But summer days can vary between 25 degrees and 40 degrees.

My uninformed guess is that the Indian Ocean and its very constant temperatures acts as a source of heat in winter that doesn't allow us to cool too far. Thus we have a lower bound.

30 Seconds is an Eternity

Warming my apple and rhubarb crumble in the microwave for 30 seconds last night took unbearably long.

Time only passes more slowly for me when awaiting the judge's verdict on a reality tv show. That moment when they're going to announce a winner and instead they just pause and we see closeups of beads of sweat on brows and then the judge's smarmy knowing expression, then we hear amplified tick tocks as everyone is holding their breath. This moment irritates me so much it induces reality tv rage and I am forced to leave the room and find something worthy to spend my time on rather than being shamelessly manipulated by tv producers creating artificial tension. Yes, those 30 seconds are the longest 30 seconds there are.

Should I become a tv editor, this sequence:


"And the winner is.............................................
.......................................................................
........................................................................
........................................................................
..revealed after the break.....................................
.......................................................................
And the winner is...............................................
........................................................................
........................................................................
And the winner is Sheryl-Jane and her calculating tortoise."

Would be replaced by :


"Sheryl-Jane and her calculating tortoise. "


Editing out "the winner is..." removes the foreshadowing of imminent boredom.

How Far Away is the Future?

Which year seems closer -  1993 or 2030?

Most people would answer 1993, but why? Does the unknown nature of the future create distance?

Don't Become a Codger

Having reached a venerable age I'm on alert for signs that I'm becoming a codger. Not succumbing to the temptation to start old-person grunting (details) is positive, but I still have cause for concern - a few years ago I started drinking tea after never showing no interest before. And now I even look forward to a cuppa every few hours.

I did go through a phase of attempting the daily crossword too, but stopped myself before it became a habit.

Me in a few years in my codger hat

And today I was tempted to turn on a heater for warmth. Most winters I survive in shorts and t-shirt and have no need for heating but with a chill wind gusting through the house this morning, I nearly gave in. Luckily I put on a pair of socks instead, but soon I'll find myself under a nana blanket, and then my transformation from boy to twit to old codger will be complete.

Tennis Scoring is Zany

Here's a chart I created showing tennis scoring. No wonder beginners get confused !

The most curious part is deuce. At 40-40 a player needs two consecutive points to take out the game. This means that 40-40 is identical to 30-30. Ad In is the same as 40-30, and Ad Out is the same as 30-40. So why not simplify?

Which Quadrant Are You In?

Question 1. Are you smart or dumb ? 

Question 2. Are you knowledgeable or ignorant?

A common assumption is that smart people know stuff and dummies don't. But it's wrong. I'm always surprised when intelligent people get their facts wrong, so does this put me in quadrant I - ignorant and dumb? No - my use of Roman numerals and correct spelling of "knowledgeable" without spell-checking saves me from that fate.

I. Ignorant and dumb	II. Ignorant and smart
III. Wise and dumb	IV. Wise and smart

Ignorant and Unaware

Question 1. Are you ignorant or are you knowledgeable? 

Question 2. Are you aware of the limitations of your skills and knowledge, or not?

The worst combination is to be ignorant of your own ignorance. Not only do you not know the correct answers, you think you do and stubbornly defend yourself.  At least a humble idiot doesn't have that false confidence.

Ignorant and don’t know it	Ignorant and know it
Wise and don’t know it	Wise and know it

Further reading 

Top Ten Movies of 2012

Now that we've reached mid-year, I can safely publish my top ten movies of 2012 - the world's earliest such list. This is final, not because no better films will appear in the next six months but because I swear to not watch anything more till the new year.

1. Cabin in the Woods - Joss Whedon's comedy horror was so layered I had to see it twice. It was only with the knowledge of coming plot points that I could appreciate the first third of the movie and the foreshadowing of future events.

2. Carnage - stick four people in a room and have them argue and drink for a couple of hours. Sounds like Friday afternoon in the office.

3. The Avengers - another Joss Whedon comedy masterpiece.

4. Girl with a Dragon Tattoo - the best thriller.

5. 21 Jump Street - the funniest film of the year.

6. Goodbye First Love - a moody French non-romance.

7.  Hugo - the best 3D experience (outside of reality). Paris has never looked more beautiful. Except in Midnight in Paris. And Amelie. And Before Sunset. Amd Moulin Rouge. And the Dreamers. And Zazie Dans Le Metro.

8. The Skin I Live In - Pedro Almodovar's horrific thriller got under my skin.

9. Sherlock Holmes Game of Shadows - unexpectedly funtastic.

10. The Woman in Black - still haunts me whenever I'm wandering around my home in darkness. I'm certain the Woman in Black is at large.