Wednesday, November 3, 2010

How to Wreck a New Car in Five Easy Steps

Firstly, buy a brand new car. Take enormous pride in it and then experience the despair and devastation as the following happens, all within the first nine months.

1. A raven picks out the waterproof seal around the sunroof. The guy at the dealer said that the bird might have been upset by seeing its reflection.



2. A bollard pops up out of nowhere in a carpark, while I'm in the middle of a rapid reversing / parking manoeuvre, causing $1500 damage in the side panel and the rear bumper - dents and scratches.

3. One evening, again while in the middle of a rapid reversing manoeuvre, a large wheelie bin looms out of the darkness (much like a triffid) and strikes my right wing mirror, knocking it off. The plastic casing is cracked and the reflectors fall to the ground.

4. When entering a steep driveway at high speed, the low ground clearance of the car caused the underside to collide with the ground, breaking the plastic panel underneath the engine.


5. Visiting the beach, some sand became lodged inside the key which is housed in a fancy retractable case. The key ceased to be retractable and refused to pop out and so I had no choice but to whip out my screwdriver from the toolkit and destroy the key and electronic inside the casing in order to extract the damn key and start the engine and get home. 

All of the above is true. And my heartbreak is very real.

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