Making Use of Dirty Undies

Where should you hide valuables at home? Assuming you don't have a safe but you do own some jewellery, collectibles, or antiques, what unexpected hiding place would confound a burglar? Firstly I must note that I have nothing of interest myself, so anyone planning a raid on Fortress Lewk is wasting their time. And in any case, my cats are liable to vomit on strangers due to their nerves, so it's not worth venturing inside unless you fancy being covered in salmon chunks.

Diversion is one strategy that may not save you, but could at least slow down any intruder and give them something to think about. If you have a desk with lockable drawers, or a lockable filing cabinet then people will waste time trying to open them. Another option would be to leave a note attached to the fridge referring to a non-existent safe (eg "Remember to check safe buried under backyard") or perhaps a receipt mentioning a fake rock containing a key could be left lying around.

The number one place that malcreants look is the bedroom, so avoid using a wardrobe, a dresser or mattress. But should you order some skidmarked undies, you can feel reasonably confident that nobody will venture inside.

 More creative safes can be found here.

The kitchen is the second most obvious hiding place; in a pantry, in a cutlery draw or even in the fridge. And should you cleverly put something valuable inside a box of cereal or in a biscuit tin, imagine a helpful partner  reading the expiry date on the packet and send it binward. Now who's too clever for their own good?

My favourite idea would be to use the traditional hollowed-out book trick. Should your house be bulging under the weight and wisdom of thousands of books, why not stick your family heirloom lucky diamonds and pearls inside a randomly chosen tome. Only an obsessive-compulsive thief would bother looking inside all 20 volumes of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, so sacrifice volume 15 (Perspiration - Rumpy-Pumpy) and cut out the insides to make the perfect hiding place.

Do you have any better ideas?