Advanced Psychoanalysis

During a rare lull in activity in the office, it was decided that everyone should be psycho-analysed, using the famous word association test. Ten innocuous words were read one by one to the subject who had to respond spontaneously with the first word that came to mind. The results were startling and scandalous as I will now explain. Here are the words we used -

1. apple
2. taxi
3. cream
4. beach
5. dentist
6. numbers
7. woman
8. purple
9. dolphin
10. fog

Firstly, several subjects hesitated for a long time before responding in relation to "woman", and one even failed to respond at all. This block in expression likely indicated a feeling of discomfort with their answer, perhaps feeling it was inappropriate and so an attempt was made to find an acceptable answer.

Interestingly, "dolphin" also triggered similar reactions in some subjects, perhaps the word having special meaning.

The real scandal started when we began to use real people's name as the trigger words. This provoked several candid responses that caught everyone involved by surprise. I will explain more later...

Shadow Play

Exactly once a year, when we approach the summer solstice, and the position of the sun in the sky at midday lines up exactly with the windscreen of a luxury car parked in a reserved spot outside the office window, sunlight is focused into a beam that illuminates our room, and casts enormous shadows on the far wall.

Someone forgot to comb their hair today

This is spectacular enough, but even more fantastic is that occasionally silhouettes of people who are not present appear. One year ago we were shocked to see the outline of a young lady with amazingly fluffy hair. She appeared with a watering-can and spent a long time tending to the shadow tree.

And three years ago, we saw another young lady's shadow throwing pop-pops at the wall with audible effect.

Losing the Will to Live in IKEA

If you've ever seen the film Labyrinth then you'd understand how I felt this afternoon, trapped for hours in the tangled passageways and vast halls of the Southern Hemisphere's largest IKEA store. It's bad enough navigating through a normal store, but this one is designed to prevent you from taking the shortest route. Hapless victims are funneled through a zig-zag route of showrooms, a one-way circuit with narrow aisles and no useful shortcuts. At one stage I turned round and tried to return to the entrance instead of walking the 500 metres to the exit, but going against the flow was so difficult I had to abandon that foolish idea. Once you've reached the end of the showrooms, you still can't leave - you find yourself swept downstairs into the warehouse walking another several hundred metres towards the checkouts.

In one corner of the warehouse I found a dishevelled group of expeditioners from the Liege Street retirement village camping inside some pine wardrobes. They'd entered IKEA the previous Thursday not even looking for modular furniture, instead wanting to try the Swedish meatballs from the café. But their sense of direction had failed them, and with dodgy hips and doddery legs, they were building up their strength before making another attempt to escape that evening.

My trolley was on the small side.

In the end I left with a cheap set of crockery, but only after walking three entire circuits of the store. I vow never to return, in the same way that the hobbits would never return to the Mines of Moria after experiencing the horrors of the evils dwelling deep within.

To emphasize the malevolently designed layout, let me explain that the car park is on the ground floor, and the checkouts and most smaller items for sale are on the first floor. But it's not possible to reach the first floor without first wandering through the second floor in order to find the stairs down. This is cruel in anyone's language, but for navigationally impaired people, it is beyond their comprehension.




Observe how high the shelves reach into the clouds in the photo above.

Grotty Grotto

Never one to go overboard with seasonal decorations, I prefer the subtle and understated approach. So last year, a secret Xmas Grotto was constructed inside a cupboard in my office. We charged kiddies 5 cents for a 5 second view and the chance to make a wish. It was terribly successful, with literally 2 children visiting.

Pocketism Strikes Again

I can't explain how this photo was taken. My mobile phone was busy snapping pics from within my pocket again today, and despite wearing black trousers with black pockets, this Rothkoesque rouge image resulted. Clearly this cannot be explained within the strictures of current science and so I must infer that it is a spirit picture, significance currently unknown but perhaps connected to the Shroud of Turin.

Who Is This Handsome Stranger?

Please send suggestions on a postcard to:

Mystery Face Competition 
15 Kijabe St
Nairobi
KENYA

It's rare to have only one nostril

The Future is Already Here

The future is already here – it's just not evenly distributed.

—William Gibson, quoted in The Economist, December 4, 2003

Are you living in the past? If you don't have broadband internet, a mobile phone, a digital video recorder and a digital tv then you're still in the 1990's or earlier. Do you still use a video recorder and a CD player and listen to 94.5fm? Perhaps you're in the 80's.  You may think that you're normal, but in reality you're a historical anachronism. In another generation, your primitive existence will be regarded as outdated and as quaint as we think of the 1930s today.

Elderly relatives might still be in bubbles from even earlier times, perhaps the 1960s or 1970s. They have a fixed line telephone, patterned wallpaper and "modern" furniture from Mad Men, and their cuisine consists of the traditional meat and veg; pasta other than spag bol is weird foreign food that is occasionally sampled at restaurants, and Asian fusion is a complete mystery; ATM's are dangerous futuristic machines that can't be trusted that surely won't catch on.

If you're related to someone who hasn't kept up with the modern world, I recommend taking advantage of Christmas and providing them with a taste of 2010 -  donate an old mobile phone or a $10 MP3 player loaded up with Lady Gaga and Daft Punk, and see their face light up with delight.

One More Esperance Lightning Strike

Since the Perth storms never arrived, I'm reminiscing further about the Esperance storm. Here's a fearsome thunderbolt.

Approaching Stormclouds

More from the Esperance storm, this is the scene mid-afternoon when the sunshine disappeared and the ominous  black clouds of doom approached.

Awaiting Thunderstorms

With electrical  storms predicted for Perth this weekend, I've dug out a photo from my trip to Esperance earlier in the year. On 15 February we were hit by a thunderstorm that lasted all night and into the morning, causing local flooding and hail damage, and lightning strikes every few seconds continued for hours and were so loud we couldn't hear the television (and you don't get more serious than that). Hopefully, we're hit by something equally dramatic in the next day.

Bottom right is the Esperance jetty

My Xmas List

I expect you're wondering what Xmas presents I'd like this year, so today I will reveal all.

I want the disco version that strobes in the dark

1. Platinum Cinema Membership. This will entitle me to a chauffeur service to Innaloo, a velvet armchair with my name in the centre of the cinema, with an unlimited Malteser dispenser built into one arm, and a tube refreshing me with my choice of liqueur coming out of the other arm, and if I need to pause the film for a break, I'll use my special remote control. This might annoy the other patrons but they should have bought Platinum Membership too.




2. Remote-Controlled Dalek. When the neighbour parks on my verge, I'll send out my dalek to exterminate it (I mean the car not the neighbour). In seconds only a smouldering chunk of metal will remain. Alternatively the laser can be set to Stun Mode, in order to shock irritating feral doves when they visit. It's also handy when you need a quick cup of tea - one little zap and the water is boiling in an instant.

Burgundy Sky

An update on yesterday's post. Reliable sources tell me that Mauritian beetroots are a burgundy colour, and so residents of that island wouldn't have read anything into last Sunday's sunset.

Now to switch to a less controversial topic, here's a flower picture from my recent trip to Margaret River. I was excited to capture the three colours of the Romanian flag so close together.

Purple Sky

Traditionally, a purple sky presages a bumper crop of beetroot. And I can only hope that last Sunday's freakishly purple sunset means that.

Coneheads in the Family

I'm related to these charming orange children. It's a shame they're so bashful - they're only ever seen in public wearing protective cones. Not having seen their faces, it's possible that they're zombies.

Council Approval

Cambridge Council have finally approved our application for a Great Hall in our backyard. Despite objections, our 35 metre tall building can now be started, and I'm heading over to Bunnings to buy the first building supplies this morning. It's inspired by the National Galllery of Victoria's beautiful hall below, but ours will be a little larger.

Remembrance Sunday

In recognition of the 92nd anniversary of the end of the First World War, here's a rare colour photograph from 1917 showing the aftermath of the Battle of Passchendaele, near Ypres in Flanders.

 Possibly it's a diorama in the Australian War Memorial in Canberra.

Public Holiday Problems

Western Australia has ten public holidays, which is nowhere near enough. But my main complaint is that they're all clustered around the New Year and Easter, with only two days off between the end of April and Christmas.

Here are this year's days of happiness and freedom from work -

Jan 1 - New Year's Day
Jan 26 - Australia Day
Mar 1 - Labour Day
April 2 - Good Friday
April 5 - Easter Monday
April 25 - ANZAC Day
June 8 - Foundation Day
Sep 27 - Queen's Birthday
Dec 25 - Christmas
Dec 26 - Boxing Day


As detailed below, I propose that we need at least an arvo off each month. Even if nobody else agrees, I'll be celebrating these days next year.

Jan 1 - New Year's Day

Jan 26 - Australia Day

Feb 14 - Valentine's Day (or Dungeons and Dragons Day if you're single)

Mar 1 - Labour Day

April 2 - Good Friday

April 5 - Easter Monday

April 25 - ANZAC Day

May 1 - Celebrate Communism Day (including military parade)

June 8 - Foundation Day

July 15 - Puddle Day (to celebrate the start of the rainy season. Every year it moves back by 1 week)
Aug 10 - Official Sickie

Sep 27 - Queen's Birthday

Oct 1 - Son's and Daughter's Day (there's a Mother's Day and a Father's Day but there's no celebration of offspring - the most neglected family members.)

Nov 15 - Hug Your Boss Day (show that you care)

Dec 25 - Christmas

Dec 26 - Boxing Day

Opinions?

Embracing Dreariness

Now that I'm obsessed by this most boring tree in the world, I'm keen to make it a local landmark. And I have now made a commemorative oil painting of it, to sell as a memento.

 I've seen deadly tiger snakes near this tree, which makes me think I should've worn shoes when taking the original photo. 

Boring Tree

Living in the middle of a city can be so dreary. A couple of kilometres from my place is this boring tree doing nothing. I hope one day the swamp it lives in can be drained and developed into something interesting like a rollerdisco or mini-golf. Perhaps a concrete pillar or mobile phone tower can be erected in its place.

Note the miniature city on an island in the swamp on the right. 

Shocking Security Camera Footage

Graphic video footage has been uncovered, showing the terrible moment last Friday when some foolish drunken blogging almost cost a young star of the web world his life, as previously mentioned here . Here is the shocking image (not suitable for minors).

And making matters worse, I had just that evening seen a 3D zombie movie, and was still getting used to moving about in the real world after having worn my 3D glasses upside down, thus messing terribly with my depth perception.

Grammar and Punctuation is DEADDDED

from now on this blog is abandoning the conventions of english spelling grammar and punctuation
no more will i be taking the time to switch between upper case and lower case
im such a busy person that i estimate that simplifying my language can save me up to 5 hours a year that i can better spend sitting around watching tv or playing computer games

Dinosaurs in the Garden

Cleaning out the shed yesterday, I moved a pot and a couple of large geckoes emerged. Being noctural, they weren't too pleased when I moved them outside into the sunlight for their photoshoot, and they refused to stay still for long. But I did manage to get a few decent shots before they ran back into the safety of the darkness.

Their camouflage pattern would make them invisible against a 1970's wallpaper.

Guide to Gold Class

In Australia, the poshest thing the whole country has to offer is Gold Class Cinema. Let me explain how it works, step by step.

1. You pay between $27 and $37 for your ticket, weeks in advance (because the tiny cinemas are usually sold out early). You're selecting a movie that hasn't been released yet, so good luck in finding a decent one.

2. You dress smartly and enter the Gold Class Lounge. You may think that now you're in, your money is safe. But oh no, the worst is yet to come; so far you've merely paid for the privilege of being allowed to see the menu.

3. Once the shock of the prices wears off, you order your gourmet wedges and cocktails and hand over your $35. Or if you want to share something tasty like a seafood platter and a couple of drinks, that'll be $65 thank you.

4. Find your seat and relax. There's a lever that lets you recline almost as far as a dentist's chair. But don't settle in too much - once the movie starts, the waiters will be in and out every two minutes delivering to the whole cinema. You'll always be on edge, wondering if this food is yours.

5. You're now having the time of your life, munching and drinking away, feeling posh, and even catching occasional glimpses of the movie. You're spilling sweet chili sauce and wine over yourself in the darkness, but you can't see it, so you don't care. Even more entertaining is the challenge of eating and drinking while wearing 3D glasses.

So there it is - a treat best enjoyed if you forget how much cash you're burning up. The way to do that is to ask for a Gold Class gift card for Christmas. Then you're content in the knowledge that it was someone else's money. Yay !

Froggy Dilemma

This hapless frog was found in our garden this morning.

Clearly there were two options - cook his legs for lunch, or release him at nearby Lake Monger. After heated discussion we came up with a compromise. We ate one of his legs, and then released him. Everyone was a winner.

Paperbarks in Late Afternoon Light

Just a few minutes until sunset and I was racing around snapping shots before the light disappeared. If you click on the photo for the larger version, you'll see more clearly the warm orange glow hitting the trees.

Drunk Bgloggigninhhg

Is fun, buuuuuuut treachorousss. I jnust fell offff my vchauir.!  hehe

Horrors from the Deepness

Gruesomer and gruesomer

This Halloween our office was startled when the dumb waiter was sent to our floor (it rarely stops at our level), and when opening it we found this horrific scene. Evidently a gargantuan spider was roaming loose in the lower levels, and had entombed these little humunculi in its tangled cobwebs. The mortal shock dumbfounded us, and absolute silence shrouded the room for nearly ten minutes before the screaming started. The women and men of the office broke down and sobbed and shrieked until their voices were hoarse.

We only calmed down later when we found that the mini peoples were deliciously edible. Yummo.

How to Wreck a New Car in Five Easy Steps

Firstly, buy a brand new car. Take enormous pride in it and then experience the despair and devastation as the following happens, all within the first nine months.

1. A raven picks out the waterproof seal around the sunroof. The guy at the dealer said that the bird might have been upset by seeing its reflection.

2. A bollard pops up out of nowhere in a carpark, while I'm in the middle of a rapid reversing / parking manoeuvre, causing $1500 damage in the side panel and the rear bumper - dents and scratches.

3. One evening, again while in the middle of a rapid reversing manoeuvre, a large wheelie bin looms out of the darkness (much like a triffid) and strikes my right wing mirror, knocking it off. The plastic casing is cracked and the reflectors fall to the ground.

4. When entering a steep driveway at high speed, the low ground clearance of the car caused the underside to collide with the ground, breaking the plastic panel underneath the engine.

5. Visiting the beach, some sand became lodged inside the key which is housed in a fancy retractable case. The key ceased to be retractable and refused to pop out and so I had no choice but to whip out my screwdriver from the toolkit and destroy the key and electronic inside the casing in order to extract the damn key and start the engine and get home. 

All of the above is true. And my heartbreak is very real.

Further Qualifications

I've enrolled in a new degree by correspondence from the University of South Carolina.

Students can study ‘Lady GaGa and the Sociology of Fame’.

The University of South Carolina will offer the full-time course, Lady GaGa and the Sociology of Fame, next semester.

“The central objective is to unravel some of the sociologically relevant dimensions of the fame of Lady GaGa,” the university's description reads.

Sociology Professor Mathieu Deflem, who is leading the degree-level course, said students would examine what it meant to be famous in modern-day culture. He is certainly knowledgeable on the Poker Face star – the 48-year-old professor has seen GaGa live in concert nearly 30 times. And it’s not all in the name of research as Deflem has admitted to being a superfan; he has met her five times and even runs his own fan site.

With my close connections to the diva, I'm looking at a high distinction for sure.

The Summer Palace in Winter

I painted this over the last few days. It's a scene of St Petersburg in 1905, inspired by a painting.

And by "inspired" I mean that I copied the picture from a postcard I bought from an art gallery.