Cheesy Elixir of Life

Lock away all your Philadelphia Cream Cheese or it will vanish. Whenever any appears in my fridge, it disappears into a stomachy abyss in moments. Its versatility is also its downfall - what other ingredient can be added to every single meal? For brekky, a cream cheese bagel is my favourite. Between meals I grab a carrot and dip it in the Philly. For lunch, how about some scrambled egg on creamy cheesy toast ? On a pizza, it hides underneath the mozzarella as a smooth and cool cheesy surprise that melts in your mouth. With nacho cheese or other Mexican meals, it's the perfect accompaniment. And for dessert, it's lovely in a cheesecake. It's the most versatile, life-saving concoction in the history of  Philadelphia foods, and it's so delicious that it must be banned from my kitchen before my arteries are completely clogged with the stuff.

Stalking Tip

When following someone on creaky floorboards, perfectly coincide your footsteps so that your noise is masked by theirs.

I found myself behind someone potentially boring walking along a corridor today, and had to implement this technique in order to stealthily follow him and reach the exit of a building without being detected.

The other option is to roll off to the side into an open doorway, but I reserve this for emergencies.

Scaring a Thief

Have you ever come face-to-face with a thief?

Looking for parking Friday lunchtime I went past a scruffy thirtysomething dude crouched down beside a student's car, fiddling with its lock. He was startled to see me and froze. I had now driven past and had to decide what to do. My first priority was to stop him, so I backed up my car to face him again so that he'd know he was busted. But he looked unpredictable and scary so I didn't linger too long. Instead I sped off to find a security guard who had been in a nearby car park minutes earlier. As I left I saw the thief jump into his car and take off. But the guard had vanished and so I called security who weren't terribly interested. If only I'd had my judo costume with me, I could have wrestled the guy to the ground and immobilised him.

Captain's Log Stardate 8.9.2012

Food supplies are critically low. We're vulnerable to attack due to loss of the remote control for the photon torpedoes. The shields are at zero percent. And the toilet is leaking. There's a chaotic tachyon field in the lounge, right in front of the television. And the phasers have low batteries and are only powerful enough to tickle, not even stun.

Am sending expedition to Floreat to look for resupplies. Will not be wearing my red shirt.

Dealing with a Monster Cat

Due to food allergies, a cat of my acquaintance has been taking a triple dose of steroids recently. And despite nearing retirement age, these drugs have changed his behaviour radically, and he's now a pumped up super-confident Tom Cruise of a cat. On Sunday he was seen on the roof, jumping around to impress the ladies instead of his typical pattern of a few hours sleeping in a sunny patch on the back lawn, followed by a few hours in front of the gas heater.

In the evenings, he struts around arrogantly, talking to anyone nearby, asking if there might be a second dinner.

Drugs are awesome !

Purple Excess

This hardenbergia is on my driveway, and my car collides with it every time I drive past.

Wattle Buds

Seen in King's Park this afternoon, an acacia bush in full-yellowness.

Winter's End

Just a quick note that today being the last day of winter, it's also the last chance to indulge in wintry culinary treats. I'll be making a potato and leak soup, and a pear and rhubarb crumble with custard tonight, but it will all be consumed well before midnight, at which time the spring menu comes into operation.

New York Sunset

Another from the World Trade Center.

Rainbow Lorikeet

The view from my front room.

Bubbles at a Party

These were created by a bubble machine at a birthday party.

Sidequels

Watching the latest Bourne movie today, it struck me how cleverly it was plotted in relation to the previous films. The Bourne Legacy was not a sequel nor a prequel, instead its timeline overlapped with the others. I propose to call this a sidequel. I considered paralleloquel but that hardly rolls off the tongue. Whatever it's called, I recommend it, if only because the editing was slow enough for mortals to follow the action sequences - a radical departure from the previous films.

Minified Statue of Liberty

Looking west from the World Trade Center, spot the tiny Statue of Liberty. It's normally larger, but this particular day it had been shrunken by some villain's Minification Ray. Luckily New York is home to dozens of superheroes who were able to fix this overnight.

Atop the World Trade Center

Visiting the World Trade Center in New York in 1999, I happened to be up there on a bitterly cold day in late November as the sun was setting. Spot the Empire State Building.

Evening Out

What is the ideal evening out? My attempts at levelling a cake's icing fall far short of perfection, but looking further afield, the closest to ideal must be the surface of a neutron star. The gravity is so high that any bumps are flattened out.

The Hidden Web of Blogging

Have you ever googled a topic, and then continued looking at search results past page 1, past page 10, even beyond the seventh "o" in Goooooooooogle? You'll reach the rarely sighted world of obscure personal blogs. In this undiscovered land are teenagers listing their favourite shopping malls, or the diary of someone with an illness, or primary school kids such as Connor::

Personal blog

July 18, 2012 by swilliams 

Hi my name is Connor, I have three sisters and one brother and their names are Kylie, Charrisa, Mollee and Jesse. I have a bird named Bob and a cat named Oscar. My favourite sweet is fruit and nut chocolate it is the best. My favourite instrument is the drums. My favourite sport is Aussie rules football.

It's populated by people doing regular stuff day after day, but wanting to publish their experiences and thoughts to give meaning to their lives.

Is there some way that we can ban this, and force people to revert to old-fashioned real diaries? It's seriously diluting the quality of the web, and diminishing my browsing experience.

Lolly Overdose

My day has gone horribly wrong after a promising start when I learnt that it was International Left-handers Day, and revelled in my gaucheness. But when I discovered half a kilo of Party Mix lollies in a cupboard at lunchtime, my instinct for gluttony took over and without consciously realising it, had consumed most of the packet in short time. The urge to pig out being so strong, I didn't have a chance to knowingly exercise restraint and rationally decide not to eat. Instead, the animal brain managed to take control and bypass my consciousness. And now my stomach is suffering.

Olympic Dodgeball

As my boycott of the Olympics continues, I ponder how the IOC could make the event more interesting. Here are my suggestions.

1. Dodgeball needs to be an Olympic sport. Rhythmic gymnastics with balls and hoops and ribbons is lovely and whatnot, but this is the type of action to excite the crowds. Take that ball and toss it at someone's head.

2. More Eddie the Eagles. Invite one randomly chosen person to compete in every discipline. Imagine the spectacle as a regular Joe tries to throw a hammer, or run around the track in the steeplechase, or sail a yacht, or dive from the tower. They may be maimed or humiliated but the crowd will be on their side against the regular Olympic athletes.

3. Hide-and-seek around the Olympic city would be a wonderful sport. Thousands of people could participate, their photos publicised at the start. How long would it take before London's thousands of security guards and cameras with facial recognition systems would identify these people?

Albany Woolly Bush

The view from my front room early in the morning, when the sun is low.

Dopey Cat Head

He's a tonguey feline.

Today's Highlights

In an action packed Monday, there have been so many highlights for me. Here are my top three.

1. Finding a good parking spot. A bad spot means a 80 metre walk into the office, whereas a good one can shave 5 to 10 metres off that distance.

2. Eating a Vanilla Mars Bar for lunch. These chocolates are being dumped at the local supermarket for 20 cents each. Clearly they haven't caught on. But I'm a fan and bought a crate-load and will live off them until supplies run out, or I become diabetic.

3. Having read a couple of good books yesterday, now I'm free to start on a new novel.

Avoiding the Olympics

Every four years I'm faced with a titanic internal struggle. Being a sports fan, I'm tempted to spend two weeks absorbed in the Olympics to the exclusion of all else, but not enjoying jingoistic commentary nor the feeling that the whole event is a corporate promotional brainwash, I avoid watching.

This attitude has benefits. Cinemas are mostly empty while potential patrons are at home watching kayaking and trampolining. And local tennis courts are deserted.

And in any case, playing sport is many times more enjoyable than watching. When attending local footy matches, the highlight is often having a kick at half-time. It's a completely immersive experience whereas spectating only occupies a portion of my attention. For instance, watching sport on tv is not stimulating enough so I'll simultaneously read or doing a puzzle or browse the internet.

So I welcome the Olympics, and wish they were more frequent even if I don't actually watch them.

Expensive Art

The Art Gallery of Western Australia is currently showing a selection from the Museum of Modern Art in New York. Not only are the painting priceless, the amount charged to see them is also astronomical. For revenge, instead of buying commemorative postcards of the collection, I took covert photos of the paintings with my iPhone. Here's a Georges de Chirico I adore although his painting is not actually this blurry.

The Enigma of a Day (1914) 

Fruit Salad on my Car

This time of year, nectar from the hakea flowers on my driveway drips onto my car whenever I tempt fate and park nearby. Forgetting this, on Saturday my car was glistening from a thorough clean but by Sunday, the sticky sugar syrup had covered the roof, with pretty petals and stamens stuck in. But rather than being disheartened I'll use this to my advantage. I'm parking at work under a Moreton Bay fig, so that falling fruit will add to the mixture. And once I've found a few more fruit trees and some natural form of yoghurt or cream, I'll be ready to scrape the tasty concoction from my car into a bowl, for a free and delicious dessert.

My car roof

700 Pages of Lameness

A random bookshop raid a fortnight ago netted a copy of the Patrick Rothfuss novel The Name of the Wind and since then I've been eagerly anticipating getting into this major new fantasy series. The book smelt right, the back cover blurb was evocative, and the cover art was mysterious. So I started.

100 pages in and there was no magic yet. The main characters were introduced and the narrative consisted of a older guy recounting his early life to a chronicler. So straight away I knew that whatever adventures were to come, the protagonist survived.

200 pages in and the older guy turns out to be a hero, a polymath of unlimited talent in every area ranging from learning languages to crafting lanterns and horseriding. His life consists of a series of incidents showcasing his unnatural intelligence and uncanny ability to do the right thing. A mediaeval MacGyver / Harry Potter hybrid.

300 pages in and now it's clear that the story is going nowhere. Rather than an epic adventure, we're hearing about the hero enrolling at university, attending lectures and dating hotties. Not exactly a triumph of the imagination. Tolkien had more creativity in one toenail than this author's lifetime of writing.

...

700 pages. I can't wait to get through the last few pages. I only hope the hero dies some miserable death before it's over as some sort of consolation for having to put up with him for so long. An infallible protagonist with

This review aptly sums up my feelings about the book. I'll just add that