Captain's Log Stardate 8.9.2012

Food supplies are critically low. We're vulnerable to attack due to loss of the remote control for the photon torpedoes. The shields are at zero percent. And the toilet is leaking. There's a chaotic tachyon field in the lounge, right in front of the television. And the phasers have low batteries and are only powerful enough to tickle, not even stun.

Am sending expedition to Floreat to look for resupplies. Will not be wearing my red shirt.