Awkward Morning Tea

You are cordially invited to an Awkward Morning Tea. Here's everything you need to know about the tedious but strangely captivating event.

1. Sit yourself down and make little to no attempt to talk to anyone around you. Instead, stare at your feet or play with your mobile phone. 


2.  If you're bringing food, then don't make anything yourself. Instead buy something cheap from a supermarket, preferably a discount item nearing its Use By Date. Don't unwrap it and present it nicely on a plate, instead just dump it on the table. Crumbly food is ideal - if it breaks apart and spills over your lap, that can boost awkwardness tremendously.


3. Rather than laying out plates, cutlery and napkins, provide tissues for people to hold their food with.


4. Make sure there aren't enough chairs for everyone. 


5. Sit right next to the food, so as to not allow others to reach it.


6. If you can't keep quiet, then restrict the conversation to work topics. If you get nowhere with that, then start asking who everyone's favourite and least favourite colleagues are.


7. Don't leave early, no matter how silent and weirded you get. You may go if either (*)  two others leave first, or (*) you've reached the 45 minutes mark. 


8. On your way out, grab as many leftovers as you can. It's important to prevent others from taking any.


9. Wear short shorts and a see-through top. This particularly applies to men. 


10. Hold hands with someone who least expects it. The aim is to get the whole room staring at you in shock.


11. Drink from someone else's mug. Pretend it's yours and act with confidence.

Further suggestions are welcome.