Illegal Activities in Russia

Entering the Hermitage Museum in Saint Petersburg in 2006, we didn't pay the extra charge that allows you to photograph. So we spent a day wandering around the treasures, obeying the rules with camera in pocket. But eventually realising that nobody was watching we started snapping away.

I saw this amazing view of Alexander Column in Palace Square from a first floor window and had no choice but to capture it.

St Petersburg was largely unknown until James Bond visited in Goldeneye

Naming Rights

After hearing that our sacred football ground Subiaco Oval is to be renamed Paterson's Arena in exchange for a million dollars sponsorship from a stockbroking firm, I've decided to follow suit, and have negotiated a deal with a car company to sell my naming rights. From today, I will be known as Lewk Mazda, and I kindly request that you refer to me as such. I've changed my name by deed poll, and am expecting an RX-8 to be loaned to me within days from Mazda Australia.

Custom plates are on order: "EVO KILLR".

Moral Trilemma

When someone (codenamed Monsieur X) shouts out an obscenity in the office that offends Mademoiselle Y, we all agree this is unacceptable. But what if Monsieur X shouts out something obscene in another language (that we shall call Frenchese) that he himself doesn't understand, that only Mademoiselle Y understands. Has he committed a crime, or can he be possibly be innocent? In a court of law, ignorance is no defence. But morally, is he at fault? After all, to him, he has spoken innocuous words.

What would the great philosophers make of this conundrum were we to tell them about this incident that really did occur a few days ago. Descartes, Aristotle, Nietzsche, please give us a signal.

Kiddies Conquer Mountain

On the Welsh borders in 1976, two toddlers made the first unassisted ascent of the north face of this mountain. The younger child (equipped with  Mountain Wellingtons), and elder child (with emergency rusks and polo mints) took two and a half hours to reach the summit, and then posed for this historic photo.

This is where the witty caption should appear.

If you visit this mountain today you'll see a copper plaque on a concrete plinth commemorating this pioneering achievement.

Evolution of Cheese Appreciation

When I was a young whippersnapper there was but one cheese in my life. Cheddar was IT and anything else was too alien and exotic for my conservative tastes. Gradually a few milder cheeses were tested and found not to cause offence, but I still returned to the safety of cheddar. This changed temporarily in the summer of 1982, when ants invaded our kitchen, and found a way into our fridge. They headed straight for our cheese, and I was traumatised one time when biting into a chunk of cheddar, I found ant parts within and other ant parts in my mouth. This incident was disturbing enough to deter me for a few weeks, but once the psychological scars healed, I returned to the comfort food of cheddar for another decade until gradually things changed as detailed below. In brackets are the year of discovery...

CHEDDAR - the cheese of my childhood (1970s)


CREAM CHEESE - as in PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE, I can still eat a whole packet in one sitting (1980)


EDAM - exotic but still mild enough not to scare me (1979)


MOZARELLA - rubbery substance found at Pizzaland 1980 (a dodgy UK chain of restaurants)


PARMESAN - an essential addition to any pasta dish (1982)


FETA - what's this weird white salty lump on my pizza, where's the usual stuff? (1990 onwards)


MATURE CHEDDAR - pungent yes, but also packed with flavour (1995 onwards)


CAMEMBERT - very French but creamy and delicious, discovered at a picnic in late 1998


BRIE - discovered at same picnic in 1998, underneath some olives


DOUBLE GLOUCESTER - twice as nice as Single Gloucester (2005)


STILTON - apparently will induce vivid dreams  (2005)


BOCCONCINI - amazing on pizzas or foodfights (was educated by friend on walk home in 2008)


GRUYERE - ideal for toasting and in French onion soup (2010)

Killer Ants

Last spring on the endless quest for wildflowers, I found myself strolling through a random field near New Norcia. After taking some pretty photos and returning to the car, I discovered I was covered in enormous meat ants, all climbing upward towards my head. In retrospect, parking on top of their nest was probably unwise.

From little gumnuts big things grow

After frantic removal of clothing, and much brushing down and jiggling, I seemed free of them and drove off, but not far down the road, discovered hordes of the beasts hiding in the pleats and folds of my trousers and shirt. They would emerge periodically in waves, trying to overwhelm me, hoping to distract me enough to crash the car, and then to feast on my body.

I will write the thrilling conclusion to this story in a later post but for now I will leave you wondering:- did I survive? Am I now alive, or is this entire blog being written by the ant colonies' collective intelligence?

How Alphabets Evolved

For your daily infotainment, please click below.

Modernism via Random Pocketism

For too long, I've been stuck in the primitive world of figurative visual arts. But no longer. Today I move into the twentieth century and the purity of abstract expressionism no less.

Pocturne #861, 10:22am 27 August 2009

This photo is one of hundreds I've produced using an original technique I call Random Pocketism.  My mobile phone is left unlocked and pocketed. Throughout the day, I accidentally press the shutter and unfocused photos  are captured. This is number 861 of a series called Pocturne. Once I reach 1,000 the series will be complete and I will begin my search for a publisher. I envisage a Phaidon coffee-table art book, selling for a few hundred dollars.

This Photo is Illegal, Please Avert your Eyes

Now that Cottesloe council have outlawed photography at Cottesloe Beach for commercial purposes, this picture taken last summer could land me in court, should I use it to promote this website.

Rays of darkness have now descended upon the beach.

For my sake, do not look left. There's nothing to see.

Freaky Weather

Exciting times for weatherwatchers. Perth is currently in the midst of its longest ever dry spell in September.

Numerous other long-term temperature and rainfall records have been broken in the last few years, but one that I love is the lack of rain. Our recent dry winter (second driest of all time) was fabulous for me, meaning I haven't had to wash my car as often as normal. Here are the numbers for 2010.

Who stole our rain? 

You may think it's early to be putting together a yearly rainfall chart, but I'm very confident that we won't be getting any more precipitation this year.

Sunset near Exmouth

In the news this week, the passengers and crew of QF72 are taking legal action against Airbus after their A330 plunged twice while flying near Exmouth in 2008. There was speculation that interference from the Harold E. Holt naval communications base caused the plane's navigation system to malfunction. Below in the distance on the right you can see the stupendously tall radio masts which emit the low frequency signals in question, the centre one at 387m was once the tallest artificial structure in the southern hemisphere. All of them are taller than the Eiffel Tower.

I took this photo from 7km away, but it was still close enough to turn my hair frizzy and cause my digital watch to tick backwards.

Pictureskew?

Office Coma

A disturbing recent trend has been colleagues entering a comatose or semi-comatose state at the desk, with glazed eyes and drooling mouth. And even if people snap out of the coma, they still remain sluggish and non-responsive for up to half an hour.

If you suspect you've ever entered this state, then a tell-tale sign to look out for is lost time - you're shocked to find it's later than you expected, and you've lost up to an hour or two from your day.

Should you notice someone in this state then a glass of water in the face is the recommended treatment. But stay clear of them, they can flail wildly once awoken in this manner.

Speak-Like-a-Bogan Day

Although yesterday was the International Day of Peace, the office decided that it preferred to create a new reason to celebrate, and are proud to announce International Speak-Like-a-Bogan Day.  Too easy !

Due to fear of reprisals and legal account, the remainder of this post has been censored. But that's fine. It's all good, mate.

Cinema Ratings

Here are my favourite Perth cinemas.

Cinema	Parking	Price (regular)	Choc Bombs	Décor	Seating	My Rank
Ace Subiaco	Free any time	$10 (Ace card)	Home-made, good	Art deco	Half are fine, half old	1
Luna Leederville	Free but long walk	$15.50	Home-made, great	Bohemian	Shocking. Disgusting at times	2
Innaloo	Free	$9.50 off peak	No good	Neon classy	Awesome, the best	3
Cinema Paradiso	Free at quiet times	$15.50	Great	Subtle retro	Decent but old	4
Somerville, UWA	Free	$15.00	Only gourmet food	Pine trees	Posh deck-chairs	5
Windsor Nedlands	Free	$15.50	Nice	Classic	Old and cruddy	6
Joondalup Pines, ECU	Free	$15.00	Only gourmet food	Pine trees	Posh deck-chairs	7
Garden City	Free	$9.50 off peak	No good	Modern bogan	Great	8
Reading Belmont	Free	$17.00	No good	Neon	Great	9

Notes
Ace Subiaco is due to be demolished at the end of the year, to make way for apartments and possibly a boutique basement cinema later.

Although an adult off-peak ticket for Innaloo only costs $9.50, this is only available if you buy a book of ten. The regular adult ticket is $17.60.

Taking into account food, then Leederville, Subiaco and Fremantle are top spots for nosh. Bollywood at Innaloo is also recommended.

Comments please...

Beware the Orange Zone

Ever wondered where people of different origin are living in Perth?

One dot represents 100 persons born in:
UK (dark blue)
China (red)
Italy (light green)
Malaysia (dark green)
South Africa (brown)
Singapore (purple)
Vietnam (yellow)
And most importantly, Zoombie hotspots are orange doughnuts.

Data from 2006 ABS Census, courtesy of wikimedia commons.

Tragic News from Chittering

A notorious car club (in fact a gang), toured through the Chittering Valley yesterday, roaring up hills and along the windy roads, disturbing the serenity and polluting the air with their turbocharged hoon-mobiles.

It has been confirmed that the bee below is now dead, her remains stuck to the front radiator of a Lancer Evo. The pollen that she was carrying back to the hive never made it, and the young beelings went hungry last night.

Her last days were idyllic. She lived a joyous but brief life.

Interesting note: chittering means chattering, as in "It's so cold, my teeth are chittering"

Flowers of the Chittering Valley

Spotted on Saturday beside the road near Bindoon. Most prominent is the blue lechenaultia.

In one 10 metre long strip of roadside verge were thirty different species of wildflowers.

Industrial Action at Blog HQ

I returned home this evening to find protesters picketing the driveway. My blog team have somehow escaped from my shed, and are now on strike, marching up and down in front of my house with bugles and placcards, demanding better wages and conditions, access to sunlight and toilet facilities. They didn't see me so I parked around the back and snuck into my house unseen (after tossing a few rotten lemons at them from the side of the house).

So here I am, for the first time trying to come up with something interesting to tell you without my creative team. And what bad timing - I have a terrible case of writer's block right now. But I do have a little inspiration left - here's my list of the grossest substances that can emanate from your head:

6. sweat


5. tears


4. snot


3. eye gunk


2. earwax

and worst of all...

1. pimple pus

Rankings were calculated by imagining which substance I would least want to end up in my food.

Slow Driving...

    ...Is my passion.

Prepare for launch...

Why hurry? Savour the driving experience, take your time. Enjoy your car.

Also, if like me, anti-hoon legislation has resulted in a speed-limiter being fitted to your car, then staying below 60kmh is mandatory.

Meet the Team

You may think this blog is a one-man operation, but behind the scenes is a team of professionals working long hours in squalid conditions for little pay. Apparently they're in a union, and their legal counsel has made me aware that I shouldn't be taking credit for all of their work, and so I am very pleased to present to you:

Anders - Principal Photographer and Danish translator


Jacinta - Media Relations


Sharon - Catering (Marble Cake specialist)


Adriano - Make-up and Hair-Stylist


Melville - Head of Writing Team


Jessica - Deputy Editor


Mohindas - Animal Wrangler (currently in hospital after a tiger incident)


I am also legally obliged to mention that the content of this blog is basically copied wholesale from a popular Danish website called "blog mig dum dig viking skvat" whose lawyer is a lovely chap whom I speak to regularly.

The Watching of Fuel

If you're a millionaire, or if you like donating your money to multinational oil corporations then read no further. However if you're not that well off it pays to be aware of Perth's fuel price cycle, as shown below, courtesy of fuelwatch.

There's a 5% to 8% difference between the cheapest and dearest average price, and so a tank of petrol that costs $50 one day may cost $4 more if your timing is bad. Should this advice save you money then please consider donating to this website. Or at least shout me lunch (I'm free next Tuesday).

Not the Smartest Cyberman

Spotted this evening in my spare room, a Cyberman was quietly plotting world domination, quite unaware that his mortal foe the Doctor had materialised right behind him.  

.

I decided to leave them to it, closed the door, made a hot chocolate and when I returned, the room was again empty save for the smell of burnt metal and scorch marks on the floor. It's quite clear who won this battle.

Moral Decline of Today's Youth

Of all Perth radio stations, 92.9 is the most morally degenerate, with their rap music, their syncopated rhythms and obscene dj's. I have no doubt that prolonged exposure inevitably leads to the following reprehensible behaviours:

Knife crime
Gang membership
Excessive drinking
Swearing
Tattoos
Piercing
Lack of respect for elders, "feral" attitude
Poor school grades
Wearing of low-rider jeans, bandanas and other innapropriate clothing
Wild hair
Jaywalking

Should you ever come across a radio tuned to this tripe, there is no time for niceties -it's your duty to switch to a sensible station, such as 96fm, Sonshine FM, or 94.5, with the utmost urgency.

London Bridge has Fallen Down

Driving along the Great Ocean Road in Victoria in 1990, we stopped at the Twelve Apostles (although only seven could be found). Below is Katya, the Swiss exchange student who was staying with us at the time, and who tended to jump in front of any camera.

"Just lean out over the edge a little more please"

Now the point of this anecdote is that our next stop was the geological marvel known as London Bridge, a natural limestone archway over the sea. We walked to the end, took a snap and rushed back to the car and thought nothing more of it. We reached Melbourne that evening, and within hours heard on the news that London Bridge had collapsed into the ocean, leaving tourists stranded on the far end, needing to be rescued by helicopter.

To this day, I suspect that my brother, myself and Katya were responsible for that collapse - we had jumped up and down to test the strength of the arch, and must have weakened it. I speak only the truth.

Lame Talkback

Sometimes I've been on road trips in outback Australia, and my only entertainment has been the car radio. Away from the cities I might pick up a faint signal from a commercial station playing country, but usually I'm stuck with  the ABC which often fills up its time with delights such as the Country Hour (I love hearing latest commodities prices), and talkback. This is sometimes bearable, but on occasion the host struggles to find an engaging topic. The worst was an hour long session heard in Far North Queensland on "favourite canned foods". Thankfully we reached the 11am news and I assumed that the talkback had finished, but no, it continued on for another thirty minutes with classic tales of canned food.

That tedious topic was bettered (or should that worsered) last Saturday, when using my favourite iPhone radio app tuned to English radio (the BRMB late show from Birmingham), the last hour was spent debating the merits of eggs versus peas. The host explained that he'd only reached the studio with seconds to spare after driving down from Manchester earlier that evening, and being stuck on the congested M6, but I still don't forgive him. But the worst part of the story is how his show so deadened my senses I became stupefied, lost all initiative and ended up listening for the entire hour in a semiconscious state. Shame on me.

Meet Fireman Bruce

He lives in the office and is ever on alert for smouldering crumpets and hailstorm emergencies.

.

Where is Today's Blog Post?

You may think I'm procrastinating but before posting anything, there are several essential tasks I've had to complete first.

1. Take a shower
2. Check email
3. Let the cats outside for a run around
4. Finish reading the paper (including the sudoku)
5. Recharge the Go Flex Happy Boy
6. Polish up the Evening Floppers
7. Eat two slices of lime marmalade on toast
8. Listen to Dr Karl's science podcast
9. Check iTunes for any new iPhone weather apps
10. Hose bird poop off my car roof
11. Check the mail box
12. Check my email again
13. Watch the end of Midsummer Murders
14. Watch Wipeout, for tips on how to escape from an obstacle course
15. Try to find the Estonian Kroon I misplaced yesterday
16. Check my blog stats, pondering why random Canadians are visiting

These tasks done, I now find it's time for me to cook a batch of asparagus risotto and watch Man vs. Wild. This next blog post had better be worth the prolonged wait !

Coral Coast Sunset

I was all set up for an awesome sunset photo from Vlaming Head Lighthouse near Exmouth a month ago when this lady with her wine settled down, obscuring what surely would have been an award-winning photo. To her right you can make out two mini-bottles of champagne.

Is this the new messiah? Or just a very naughty girl?

Sloppy Plodding Revisited

Further analysis of work styles has revealed that people can usefully be classified along two dimensions - speed and accuracy. Sloppy plodders fall in the bottom left quadrant, as you can see below.

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I am considering adding a third dimension to this chart relating to dress style. It will range from foppish or daggy to stylish, and the least desirable characteristics will be a foppy sloppy plodder.

Meerkat Research

Being very keen for some informed opinions of this blog, I again surveyed the neighbourhood cats and this is what they said:

"More mouse pics pleez"


"Im in ur house, eatin ur cheezes"


"All your base are belong to us"

At this stage the cats abandoned the interview and were found a short time later stalking my goldfish.

.

Twitter Tardif

Maintenant que je suis un célébre blogueur et le fanmail a inondé ma boîte de réception tous les matins, la pression sur moi pour rejoindre l'twitterati est énorme. Les gens veulent savoir qui exactement j'étais, quelle jus de fruit de boire, combien de fois j'utilise le fil dentaire, mes boîtes de nuit préférées, les programmes de télévision que je recommande. Eh bien c'est une excellente idée, mais en étant soucieux de la sécurité je ne peux pas publier des informations en "live". Mais ce que je propose est plutôt de d'afficher mes tweets après un délai de six mois, date à laquelle c'est de l'histoire ancienne où exactement je suis ou ce que je faisais.

Et oui, je suis fier de vous présenter mes premiers tweets exactement six mois de celà:

"A quand cette fin de l'été? Je ne peut plus attendre que la pluie et les tempêtes de l'hiver arrivent!"

"Avec la saison AFL qui débute bientôt, je peux voir les Eagles atteindre la finale, et peut-être même le top 4 finale est à portée de main. Freo n'ont aucun espoir cependant."

"Masterchef commence bientôt et je me promets de ne pas perdre une minute de ma vie à regarder ce crud.

Delayed Twittering

Now that I'm a celebrity blogger and the fan-mail has started to hit my inbox every morning, the pressure on me to join the twitterati is enormous. People want to know which fruit juice I'm drinking, how often I floss my teeth, my favourite nightclubs, what tv programs I recommend. Well this is a splendid idea, but being security conscious I can't publish a live feed. So I propose instead to release my tweets after a six month delay, by which time it won't matter if you know exactly where I was or what I was doing.

And so, I proudly present to you my first tweets from exactly half a year ago:

"When will this summer end? Can't wait for the rain and storms of winter to hit"


"With the AFL season starting soon, I can see the Eagles reaching the finals, and maybe even a top 4 finish is within reach. Freo have no hope though."


"Masterchef starts soon and I promise myself not to waste another minute of my life watching this crud."

Road Reflections

Road plus rain plus lights result in gorgeous reflections.

Suburbia can be pretty at times, but please stay clear of Scarborough Beach Rd at all times

Are You a Plodder?

Some people take a long time to finish a task. They may be a perfectionist or merely slow at everything they do, or easily distracted. At work, they can be a sloppy plodder - slow and unreliable and inconsistent. Or they may be a perfect plodder, producing polished flawless work three months past the deadline. Here are some characteristics to look out for in yourself.

Before making a decision do you need to be fully informed about the subject?


Do you often return home empty-handed from shopping, not having found exactly what you were looking for? For example, you need to find a birthday card. You examine every card in the shop but can't find one you're happy with, so give up.

Do you often miss deadlines, or are late for appointments? You might feel it's more important to get something right than to finish in time. Or you might prefer to distract yourself and procrastinate rather than focus on what you should be doing. 

Bertie Beetle

Sighted beside the steps leading up to the Australian War Memorial in Canberra a few months ago, a green scarab beetle.

"Please don't eat me, Bear Grylls"

This fellow tried to hide from me as I shot numerous photos only centremetres from him. He tried squeezing into this crack between bricks but was too fat to get in far.

This Blog's Fate

As we approach the first week anniversary of this blog, it's interesting considering where we'll be one year from now. A survey of 100 randomly selected cats supplies the following opinions...

Sadly the cats are correct - the vast majority of blogs are abandoned within six months, and so will this one.

Boredom Through the Day

1=not a trace of boredom, 10=comatose

6am   - 2/10
7am   - 2/10
8am   - 3/10
9am   - 4/10
10am - 5/10
11am - 7/10
12pm - 5/10
1pm   - 2/10
2pm   - 5/10
3pm   - 7/10
4pm   - 3/10

"Only 6 more hours and I'm outta here"

Doublets (the word puzzle, not the jacket)

Lewis Carroll may have conceived this type of puzzle originally, but it was brought to fruition right here in this humble blog.

one
ore
ere
era
bra
boa
boo
too
two

six
sin
tin
ten

Now it's your turn. This one should take between 3 and 4 minutes.

four
?
five

And this one should waste at least an hour of your life.

seven
?
eight

And let's end with a really tricky one:

aardvark
?
zzzyyyxx

Friday Rumour

An associate known as Ms X has sensationally revealed that she was once romatically linked with a footballer Mr Y who was best friend of a very well-known AFL player who was a friend of Ben Cousins. Amazing gossip.

A Child Raised by Otters

Our first glimpse of the Baron, Isle of Skye 1981

In early 1981 my family toured northern England and then Scotland for a taste of the wilderness so unlike the quaint countryside of Warwickshire. Heading up the west coast we reached the rugged Hebridean archipelago. Taking the ferry across to the Isle of Skye we drove between rugged mountains and along the bleak coast, and in the late afternoon as the weather closed in, stopped for a walk on an isolated beach of jagged rocks and biting winds. In the distance, my dad saw a lone figure playing. Worried that a child had been separated from its parents in such inhospitable conditions, he headed over to check. The child, a little blond boy in a duffel coat and flared jeans, only responded with one word repeatedly "Baron... Baron... Baron..." So that became his name. In his pockets was no identification, only whelks, and with no sign of family, guardians or friends, we took him home. And that is how he became our little brother.

Top Ten Films for 2010

Although it's traditional to wait till year's end before compiling a top ten of films, I brazenly declare that the following movies cannot be displaced from the top of my rankings. The film locations and my chosen choc bomb flavours are also noted.

10. Micmacs (Paris, Mint)
9. City Island (New York, Rum and Raisin)
8. Green Zone (Baghdad, Vanilla)
7. Fantastic Mr Fox (U.S., Mint Choc Chip)

6. In the Loop (Washington D.C., Vanilla)

5. Men Who Stare at Goats (Fort Bragg, North Carolina, Banana )
4. Kickass (New York, Caramel)

3. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (Toronto, Mint)
2. Avatar (Pandora, Vanilla)
1. Shutter Island (Boston, Scrumpy)

Thus ends the world's first top ten list for 2010.

Garden Encounter

I apologise for the blurriness, but I was thrilled recently to capture the moment when my cat encountered Noris, one of our garden homunculi, for the first time. If you look closely, you'll see the anguished expression on his face (which relates more to his realisation that he'd forgotten his pants than his imminent demise).

"Greetings Mr Cat. What large fangs you have."